The One I Cant Have (a Michael Clifford Fanfic)

Chapter 37

Luke's POV (16 years later)

"Daddy, I can't do it!" Maybel says. 

"You'll get it sweetie! Don't give up!" I reposition her little fingers on the guitar.

She's been trying to fill her daddy's footsteps and join her very own band. Maybel is four. She has my eyes, nose, and legs. I cherish her with all my heart.

"Daddy?"

"Yes baby?" 

"Why did your band break up?" she swings her legs back and forth on the chair.

I hate it when she asks this question.

"We don't talk about it." I say quietly. "You know that."

"But-"

"I SAID WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT" I snap.

Maybel freezes. Tears well up in her little blue eyes. She rips the guitar off, jumps off the chair, and runs away, her head burried in her tiny hands.

I sigh. I think it's time to tell her.

I get up from my seat and trudge to an old storage closet. After rummaging through multiple brown boxes, I find it. 

As I climb the stairs up from the basement, I pass my wife in the kitchen. She sees it in my hands. She gives me a slight nod of approval.

I continue to climb another flight of stairs to get to the room my two girls share; Maybel and Carter.

I knock on the white door that's covered in stickers an drawings. I press my ear to the door and hear tiny footsteps slowly walk to the door. It opens.

I walk in and sit on Maybel's bed. She sits next to me.

"What's that?" she asks, pointing to the piece of paper.

"It's a letter. Well, not exactly a letter. It's, um, a note. A, uh, suicide note," I answer. I immediately regret this. She's too young to know what happened. Too late now.

"Read it to me!" she bounces a bit.

My heart beats fast and hard. My voice quavers as I read:

To my boys.

I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry. I just couldn't take it anymore. Losing Carter was like losing my lungs. I was suffocating. I needed an escape. So I cut myself. It was a start, but the relief did not stay. I could imagine Carter's disappointment. But she was my everything. I missed how she laughed about everything. I missed how she'd hold me at night. I missed how she'd take hours to get ready. I missed how she'd always complain when she got tired, and make me give her a piggyback ride. I missed her. I sometimes wonder what would've happened if we never found her sitting at that gas station. If we had just drove her home. Would I have been happier? Or would I have just missed out on the most amazing girl in history? You'll find another guitarist. I know you will. I'm sorry. Luke, I know we started out as enemies, but I love you man. Calum, I'll never forget how you invited yourself into the band. Ashton, take good care of Mirthe. She's a great girl. Never let her go. I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger. I'm sorry. But she was my other half. Literally. Now I'm just "To the Moon". With no way of getting back. I'm lost and I now realize this is going to be the only way. Thank you for sticking with me through everything. But now? I have to go. If you ever see Carter I wrote her a seperate letter. 

You be good now. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Michael G. Clifford

I feel the warm tears as they run down my cheeks. I look to my daughter. She doesn't get it.

"Carter?" she asks.

"Darling, we named your sister after our best friend. Our little sister, actually." It comes out a bit choppy.

"Why are you crying Daddy?" she looks at me with her deep, innocent eyes.

"Because I loved her." I whisper.

"But you love mommy too, right?" 

"Of course baby." 

"Daddy?"

"Yes princess?" 

"Where is she now?" 

"She's with her one true love." More tears rush out as memories flood through my head.

"I don't understand." she pouts.

"I didn't expect you to. It's okay sweetie." I try to smile, but it doesn't work. So I turn away.

"Daddy?" 

"Yes?" 

"What happened to your friends?" she resumes swinging her short, stubby legs.

"Well. Calum and Mirthe went back to Australia. And Ashton? Well um, he's in a special home. We can visit him sometime if you want to."

"Can we go now?"

"No, not now." I answer.

"Pleeeeeeeaseee??" she begs.

"Go get your sister." I give in.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

We get there. Blayton Ridge Mental Hospital.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

well. it's over. i love all of you so so so so so so much. thank you for sticking with me to the end(:

Stay Punk Rock Always,

Queen of Recklessness