Ready Set Breathe (A Steve Rogers Destruction Story)

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Of course, this was not the first time Steve was convinced that things would be better had he not been alive. He wasn’t sure if he could pinpoint the first time he thought it, because it didn’t seem abnormal to him and because he had thought it for so, so long.

He suggested it to Bucky only once, when they first got their apartment together and became roommates and Steve had yet again fallen ill and it was up to Bucky now and Bucky alone to bring him back from the brink. Steve could see it, he was exhausted. They both were, true, but Bucky shouldn’t have to be. He shouldn’t have to have those dark circles under his eyes and he shouldn’t be only eating one meal a day and he shouldn’t have to work for hours. It wasn’t fair and Steve hated to see people sacrifice for him.

“Maybe you ought to just stop,” Steve suggested once because he thought it sounded perfectly rational, and Bucky looked up from where he was across their tiny, one-room apartment, sitting on the couch, and looked confused.

“Stop what?” He said. “Sitting?” Steve sat up a little.

“Maybe you should let me die,” he said and Bucky froze and sat there for a long time, staring at Steve. Steve stared back and eased himself back down a little, frowning at Bucky. “What? Stop giving me that look.”

“That’s not funny,” Bucky said.

“I wasn’t kidding,” Steve said and Bucky brought his hands up to his face and looked away, stood up and sat back down, clearly disturbed. Steve watched him and it became obvious to him how much he had upset Bucky. “Okay, I didn’t mean it,” he said quietly and Bucky looked at him hard, blinking.

He didn’t want to die. Not then, not yet. He really, truly did not and he was scared of death and scared of dying on a sickbed and scared of proving everyone right, that he’d only been a burden and a waste and he was worthless. But he knew it was hard on Bucky, and Steve was tired. It was hard on him, it had been hard on his family, and the rational idea, maybe the most selfless idea, was that Steve should simply stop being. Then everyone would be happier, wouldn’t they? Could Steve do that for Bucky?

Bucky was upset for the rest of the night and when he fell asleep on the other side of the one and only mattress they could afford, Steve realized that he could never say that again. It seemed like the only real option he had then, to die and leave everyone be, but he could never bring it up again. He could never tell Bucky about it. He was a burden on Bucky, and maybe he really was just a waste of resources and energy, but no matter what, he couldn’t scare Bucky again. Not on top of everything else. He might be a burden, but he sure as hell could suffer quietly if it made him less of a weight on the backs of the people he loved.