Long hair

Part One

I do not support/recommend any weight loss techniques that i used and i would highly recommend getting medical help if you'd like to loose weight in a healthy way. Trigger warning.

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PART ONE

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Before I unload the truth of my life there are a few things you should know.

My name is Emily, I'm currently 15 years old and I live in the UK. My brother who is 18 months younger than me has autism, this means that although my childhood was full of adventures they were mostly always halted because he wanted to go home. He became very abusive during my tween years and i would often run upstairs as soon as I got home and barricaded my door to make sure he couldn't get in and either ruin my room or ruin my already ruined face. I didn't write this all for attention. I did it to let people know that they're not alone and they shouldn't be ashamed of who they are, after all, everyone is different and although that makes everyone the same we all have different finger prints and that shouldn't be taken for granted. I also enjoyed the process of writing this and the reflecting on my life. Unfortunately the bad things are true, and so are the good.

When i was younger i always knew I wasn't normal, I tried making friends with people but realized i was different and separated myself because I manipulated myself into thinking that it was for the best. My mental health sky rocketed at the age of 10. It started with thoughts that changed my perspective on life, voices telling me to do things that aren't imaginable.

Most of my childhood consisted of crying myself to sleep because i was stuck in a poisonous loop. I would punish myself and beat myself up over tiny things. Eventually i accepted the fact that i wasn't going to get help;after vouching for years to get counseling, going to my doctor and spilling out my thoughts on my mental health crisis to get a transfer for help. Only to get rejected by the doctors and have to go through it all again. Once i was old enough to en-role in secondary school it all became too much and I was pulled out to be home schooled.

For the three years that i was home schooled, I had my own routine. I made new friends, friends which had similar experiences as me. But none of them understood. After the three years i was shoveled back into the school system to complete my GCSE's. I was then surrounded by other teenagers competing to be the best at everything, people that couldn't hold secrets and the majority of them enjoyed humiliating others for their own satisfaction. Their hypocrisy was only slightly bigger than their egos. They enjoyed drama, too much. Only a few people were happy with how they looked but still faked out compliments for others. I always read people, physiology interests me. People don't bully others for the fun of it! They do it to protect their egos. They're insecure.

Self harming became a hard habit to break.

All the scars stayed for years, I wore long sleeves throughout the blazing heat of summer and anytime I went outside I would completely cover up, making sure no one would see. They won't disappear, but if I hadn't of told you, you wouldn't have noticed.

The majority of my scars are on my left arm, this was to make sure that my writing arm, (my right) was able to be uncovered seeing as I used it more than my left. Some scars are tiny, some are bigger than tiny but they all have a different date and story. There was a year when I found it so hard to stop self harming that it became an addiction, I knew then that it wasn't long until I would guilt fully spill it out or someone was going to see my arm when I changed for sports. Turns out I didn't need to worry, there were toilets in the changing rooms so I changed in them, and as for my mouth I distracted myself and distanced myself from people so I didn't and couldn't talk about it given the chance. I don't regret what happened. Because it made me realise who my true friends are.