Long hair

Part Eight

I'm confused.

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PART EIGHT

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6/6/19

It's hard listening to a song that you used to. When times were different, full of different emotions. Things happened whilst listening to those songs. Things which only I will understand and know.

Some songs are connected to people. I can't listen to those songs anymore. I don't want to.

I get a weird nostalgic feeling when listening to the particular songs, I want the situations to return. But I also know that they won't and that hurts me. It's a weird loop.

Music has and will always contain more words than I ever will, it describes my mood, my feelings and my thoughts and keeps me from listening to the silence called existing. It keeps me occupied at my lowest and my happiest and helps me rethink any situations I get myself into.

I do better at everything when listening to music, it distracts me and it gives me courage and adrenaline, allowing me to be the best me I can be. It can allow me to do things I don't want to do, things I wouldn't do with out music. Talking to certain people, doing certain things..

When listening, it allows me to think about particular people, the lyrics pulsating through my mind and either leaving me feeling great, or completely devastated and remembering the reality of what I'd lost or gained assuming that the particular piece of music was connecting to something.

I listen to the lyrics unintentionally and without delving into the meaning, but sometimes when I think about certain lyrics from particular songs in depth, I can't help but think about certain things, my imagination drifts into a spiraling road.. often going downward.

All music has a date. When it was pictured, written, produced and eventually published. So do memories. I just wish that the memories I have could be different. I miss the good ones. I miss them more than anything right now.

It's hard to change already broken thoughts into good ones, every piece of music can be correlated with something, so when that something changes it's hard to change the meaning and it's hard to listen to the lyrics the same way again. That's why changing the meanings of songs into better memories is best.. unless you don't want to listen to that song again, or you don't want to change the bad memories..

Rewind a few months back.... around 12/8/18

I started having weird episodes of confusion, I'd stop being able to breath, dizziness and a spinning reality all hit me. Thinking it was epilepsy causing the "episodes/silent seizures" I started having manual tests to conclude why it was all happening.

MRI scans, sleeping tests and more brain exams pass. In order for me to do sleeping tests I had to be sleep deprived (which is normal anyways) but as tiring as sleep deprivation is, I've never felt more alive.

I was anxious for each manual test. But as they got more common I started to realise they weren't so bad after all. Gives me a chance to have some peace and quiet, allowing me to think about all the many billions of things going through my brain at all times. Being able to break them down slowly to pass the forever feeling time that echoed at me.

I'm not sure why they started happening. But I want them to stop. I'm hoping I have a unique ability.. or it could just be epilepsy..

Some things I can't write and reveal. It's my secret. One that only I can hold to myself. Only I know it, making that slight secret an important one.

Things happen for a reason.. things that should be kept discreet and hidden are often revealed. So I lie about simple answers to complicated questions, it saves more questions from being asked.

People lie because they're scared of the truth, they're scared of the reactions and consequences that they'll receive for doing something they know they shouldn't do.

Lying is easy for people that know how to do it and they struggle to comprehend and work with the truth. Twisting stories is easy, so are twisting lies. I used to cover up the truth because I was scared of telling it. I still do sometimes. But this time I don't apply such a thick layer, almost transparent.

No one actually cares, people pretend to care because it lets them feel less guilty. After all, it's much easier to focus on other people's problems than your own because unless they don't directly effect you it's not something you HAVE to combat yourself.

Therefor making any given "bad" situation seemingly completely pointless.

Im stupid for doing it again. Giving in to my own conscience. Dumb.