Rylee June's Heartbreak Letters

January 9th 2019

Well last night I cried, drove around town for three hours, sent you a voice message which you may or may not ever listen too, and smoked until I was good and high and just fell asleep without thinking about you. Darn Maddy, you know how make a girl freak out. I told Emma and Rachel everything about what's been going on between us because I just need some advice and I didn't want to go at it alone. It's my first relationship and you are not making this easy. I thought the first few days of a relationship are supposed to be like the honeymoon phase but  the world had to just say nope! We're gonna make this one a hard one. Making it to where y'all can't spend the two weeks y'all planned to spend together happen and to make you go hang out with X. But anyway Emma and Rachel both said that I should drop you like a hot pancake. But I don't want to be that person but you're making it super easy with this...ghosting?? Is this ghosting? I don't know. Anyway I'm just going to type up a summary of what I said in the voice message because I just realized you don't have to listen to the voice message, and I wouldn't because I sound like a blubbering idiot for eleven minutes, but a text message once you start reading it you won't be able to stop. You won't have to answer but you'll read it. 

*A Few Hours Later*

So you read it. And loved it. Then replied back with "it was gonna take some time to think of a reply". What do I do with that!? I get you need time to respond but I'm still freaking out. Couldn't you tell by what I wrote? 

I just want to know why you said you're sorry and if we're still even a couple anymore and then I wrote a breakup speech if we were broken up. Which I hope we're not but if we were I just wanted you to know that you were amazing and that I was glad you were my first kiss, girlfriend, girl date, and that I wouldn't trade it. And I hope whoever you're with treats you right and that you'll always have a special place in my heart and if you ever need anything that I'll still be there to help. Because I'm a loyal person and I'll do anything for people I care about. I also wrote that I hope if we do break up that we cross paths again in the future when you are ready to be with me and not with X or whoever you decide to go to. But that I have been taught so many things and I don't regret meeting you.  

Ugh maybe if we are broken up it's a good thing. Is it good that my first relationship be a long distance one? And when we started talking back in December you had just broken up with X that week. I don't think you or I gave you enough time to properly grieve or get over her before we started going into the talking phase. I mean you fell for me first and I couldn't stop you but I don't know. Was it smart? I'm just ready to find a girl that lives closer and I can just give all my time and affection to right now who doesn't have a crazy ex or didn't just get out of a relationship. It'll take awhile to find because let's be honest, it was hard even finding you and while I hate being a rebound, which I think X was right about unfortunately, at least I was able to feel something and maybe make someone else feel something too. Like real feelings. If I don't hear from you by Saturday I'm just gonna tell you that I had some time to think as well and I think it's best that we don't continue a romantic relationship. We should definitely wait a few months before even trying if we both want to try again. But man am I going to miss kisses and cuddles. You got my hooked on those. 

Sigh, I think this might be the best thing. Emma doesn't really like you anymore after the emotional pain you've caused me the past few days and Rachel doesn't either, and J (twitter friend who I've talked with too) agrees that I should just go with someone else and if you still want me that you'll be willing to wait. I definitely needed some like me time with a shower and just being myself. Selfcare you could say. 

*At 10pm That Night*

I'm such an idiot. I broke up with you over text. I hadn't heard from you and it was driving me crazy and I've been doing some thinking and I thought it would be best to just end things now before things got too crazy or like we were together longer and it would be harder. I sent you a giant message about us maybe waiting and seeing what the future has but that I still wanted to be friends because I don't want to lose the friend I was able to make. Like that's what made me fall for you in the first place. We were able to just have a normal conversation and that you thought I was funny and not stupid while I thought you were funny and interesting. But yep, we broke up and now you are also my first ex as well as girlfriend. I wish you could of been more of my firsts...maybe we'll see what the future has in store. I'm surprisingly calm about this and I don't know why. I also apologized about breaking up over text because that's a jerk move. I shouldn't, I promised myself I wouldn't be one of those people and yet I was. Ugh, if we get together or my next relationship I won't do that. I made that mistake, and unfortunately you had to experience it but I won't do it again. 

But I still upset you. I hate that I had upset you the day after your birthday. I'm a horrible person. But I know I was doing the right thing by letting you go back to X before anything bad could happen. So if you did sleep with X again you didn't cheat on me. Or...I guess you did but you don't have to hold the guilt for that long because we aren't together anymore. 

I don't feel like writing anymore and I think I'm just going to go to sleep now. 

- Rylee June