You Finally Noticed

XII. Half Alive

The skies were different now. The leaves are falling down from the trees. The sun seemed to lose one of its rays. The wind blows at the opposite direction. Time is moving counterclockwise. My world is moving the other way around.

I'm tired.

I'm full but empty.

Full, with all the happenings and empty, for what I feel.

My emotions  are slowly running away from me also. Things were betraying me. Everybody is leaving me.

Even him.

He didn't come back anymore.

I already lose the hope that he will still return.

It's been a long time since I last saw him. After that, I never smile again.

It's been so long since I felt happiness and it's just been a while since I cried.

I don't care now. My life is worthless...he will never be coming back in my life again.

He completely disappeared in my life and so I was in his life.

"What's your plan now?" She asked but I did'nt answer.

"I keep on asking and asking but there's no answer in response! Mina, look at yourself! I dont even know what is happening to you!" She yelled behind me.

My back is only facing her and my eyes are still glued outside the window.

"Try to eat something and fix yourself. Bring back the old you! Bring back yourself Mina!" She said again but Im too lazy to answer. I'm really not in the mood to speak anything.

There's no words coming out from my mouth, besides, there's nothing to care for.

She is just my mom. She's fake. She doesnt really care...I know that.

"Please... wake up with your own senses..." She said again in a softer way.

I blinked.

I heard a sniff and soon heavy sobs.

"Mina, my dear... I'm sorry..." She said and I stiffened.

She's crying.

She said sorry.

It's for the first time.

I never felt that tears are already making its way down on my face.

I thought I was numb already. I thought I do not have any emotions anymore but I never  realized that there is still one hidden inside my heart.

That's pain.

I let the tears to fall down.

I'm living for 19 years of despair. Life is unfair. I was born to experience sadness and that's the truth behind my life. I will never be happy and I will forever be in a deep hole of sorrow.

I never experience to be loved. I thought I was already loved when Wonwoo came but it came to my realization that it is clearly a fake love.

The world just plays with me when he came and it hurts. My heart is ripping apart but I cant do anything. I can witness my own world falling down but I cant even help to build it up again.

I sob harder. Harder than I ever think I could.

But then, I felt a hand on my shoulders.

"I may not know what you're feeling... but I can still be a mother to you. If I could just carry all the burdens you're keeping...I'd do it for you." She said.

I think I'm completely lost with confusion. My mind is about to burst, not knowing what I'll think or to whom I'll listen.

My heart has been torn apart. It's completely broken and now someone is making it melt by her words. The pain is swallowing me whole... the pain is occupying my heart.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, please learn to forgive me. I don't like everything that happened and I'm regretting I wasted so much time for hating you. I'm so stupid! I shouldn't be called a mother!" She exclaimed, feeling so hopeless.

Afterwards, I heard something crashed and she cried more loudly.

I didn't bother to look. I didn't even move.

I can't feel anything but pain. I hope I can just be insensitive so I won't see her hurting.

I hate this! Why does she have to be like this?

Why did she suddenly turned concern like she really gave importance to me?

Why does she need to cry and hurt herself? It cant even bring back the time...it cant even correct her mistakes..it cant even change how I view her, how I think she was.

I closed my eyes.

I wanted to stop and calm her but I can't. I wanted to move but something inside me is forcing me not to. It was so hard. I just want all of this to stop.

I'm living... I'm breathing...but I'm half alive.

"I love you my daughter." She said.

Those words hits me directly. I felt an arrow darted on my heart.

I didn't manage to hold back the heavy painful tears Im keeping.

I cried and cried by what she just said. It's just too much painful.

She loves me?

If she really do, then why cant I feel it? I never felt her love even once! She always makes me feel like I'm a trash, her biggest mistake, the fruit of her sins, her useless living daughter!

I wanted to get mad at her and to question her.

I wanted to blame her.

I wanted her to take back the lies she just said but Im just so tired.

It's useless. I don't even have the right to do that.

I love her. I know that's why I'm hurting. I love her too... so much, but I don't think I can show it right now. I'm not yet ready.

I should be happy that I heard her say that she loves me as her daughter but it is not enough to convince me to believe her.

She finally accepted my existence in her life and I'm wondering what pushed her to do so.

I'm broken... broken more than the most broken people in the world. I don't think time can heal my heart  but if ever that happens, I think I'll be able to bring back the love my mother deserves.