Smoke || larry

9

It's a cold Saturday in October and the wind nips at Harry's cheeks and nose. He doesn't know what compelled him to come here, but he felt like he needed to. His legs take him across the browning grass and his eyes scan every stone. He knows exactly where hers is and the flowers in his hand feel heavy.

When he finally arrives he just looks down at the tombstone. Her name is neatly printed across it along with her life span. Harry just sucks in a deep breath and places the flowers down and then sits. He places his bag next to him and then brings his knees to his chest, resting his chin on them.

It's strange for him to just sit here. He remembers when him and Gemma were younger they used to run around the cemetery and see who could find the oldest person. They never once thought that their bodies would be lying in the dirt one day. They never once considered that one day they'd be the oldest in the lot.

His eyes are tear free today which he finds strange. He can feel the dull ache in his chest and his mind is filled with old memories, but his eyes remain clear. He just continues to look at her stone.

He can almost imagine she's there with him, sitting on top of the stone, her feet dangling. He can picture her resting her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands, her knowing smirk present. He can picture it all and it actually feels like she's there - like she's sitting there - waiting for him to speak.

"Hey, Gems," he starts and his voice sounds thick too, but his eyes are still not crying.

"I don't know why I'm here. I guess it's because I miss you. I don't know if you're listening or even if you can listen, but I wanted to talk to you. I always talked to you and I don't want to break tradition," Harry continues, his voice normal now. He doesn't even feel crazy for talking to nothing. He can feel her listening.

"You know that boy Louis Tomlinson? I started talking to him. Actually, I kissed him and it was the best kiss I've ever had. It sounds really cliche, but I could just feel it. I don't know what 'it' is, but it was magical. You'd be yelling at me right now if you could. You always said he was dangerous, but I don't see it," Harry says with a shrug. His eyes trail down to his fingers. He has them clasped around his legs.

"I started smoking. It's so strange, but I like it. I can actually hear you yelling at me about my asthma... Well not like actually, but you know," Harry chuckles.

"Mom and dad are still taking all this really hard. I think mom hates me now. It's not surprising because you were always her favorite."

Harry stops now and he looks back up. His eyes are still tearless and he doesn't know why. He can feel the emotion in his beating heart and the way his stomach feels sick.

"I think I'm going to start taking pictures again. I stopped for awhile, but I really miss it. I also miss Niall. We're not really friends anymore..."

Harry trails off and looks around. No one else is here, but he can see some people have fresh flowers - just like Gemma now.

"You know, when I thought about visiting you this year, I thought you'd be in a dorm with your friends, not buried six feet deep. You weren't supposed to die," Harry chokes and finally his eyes let tears escape.

"You were supposed to go to university and have wild parties. You were supposed to get married and have children and you're gone. You're gone and yet you're here. You're everywhere and I can't get you out of my head. No matter how much I smoke or drink you're there and it's driving me mad, Gemma. I'm going to drive myself to insanity and I just- I can't-"

Harry breaks down and buries his face in his knees, his tears wetting his jeans. His whole body is shaking with sobs and he can feel her here. Her presence is so strong it's suffocating him and he starts to cough and choke on air. His mind is blank and he's focused on trying to breathe, but his lungs won't allow the air. He finally reaches out and grabs his phone, hitting speed dial 3. He puts it on speaker and waits.

"Hey, Harry," Liam answers. Harry just chokes out a cry in response, his voice lost inside himself.

"Harry? Where are you?" Liam asks worriedly and it's almost like Harry can hear Gemma's airy laugh. He can imagine her choking him, begging him to join her in the nothingness.

"Gemma. Gemma," Harry cries and he can hear the rustling from Liam's side of the phone.

"I'm coming. Try to calm your breathing. Where's you inhaler?" Liam says in a calm voice. Harry just hides his face again and cries. His ears are ringing and he can't stop his tears. He doesn't know when he starts but he's screaming. Her face fills his head and he can feel that empty hole in his heart. He hates her for leaving him. He actually hates her.

He doesn't know when Liam arrives but he feels arms around him and his head is being lifted and his extra inhaler that Liam carries is being placed in his hand.

"Breathe, Harry," Liam instructs calmly. Harry places his inhaler to his lips and sucks in the air. He feels his lungs open and he does it again for good measure. He can finally breathe a little better and he collapses in Liam's comforting arms.

"I hate her. I hate her. I hate her," Harry chants and Liam hugs him closer, shaking his head.

"No you don't. Don't say that."

"I do. She left me. It's all her fault and I don't know what to do anymore. She's gone because she was stupid and I hate her for leaving me," Harry cries. Liam just hugs him tighter, letting Harry ruin his shirt.

"I'm sorry," Harry sobs harder and Liam shakes his head again.

"Don't be sorry," Liam whispers softly.

"I keep crying," Harry chokes out and Liam starts to rub his back.

"It's okay to cry, Harry. It's okay to hurt," Liam reassures him.

"It hurts so much," Harry whimpers.

"What will make it hurt less?" Liam asks hopefully and Harry lifts his head up - tears and snot on his face.

"Sleep. I don't hurt when I sleep," Harry says, but that's a lie. He has nightmares.

"You want to sleep? I can bring you home? Or we can go to mine?" Liam suggests. Harry's already feeling the darkness start to take him over, his body and mind exhausted.

"Yours is okay. Louis' is okay too," he whispers and then he's leaning forward, placing his head on Liam's shoulder before he falls asleep.