Smoke || larry

37

The treatment centre is nice. Everything is orderly and clean and the staff always have weirdly happy smiles on their faces. It smells of spices and art hangs on the plain white walls, making the place appear brighter.

Harry hates it.

Week 1 he shakes and throws up and cries. Detox is harder than he could've imagined and he's willing to kill a nurse just for a drop of alcohol or a hit off his pipe. Many people come in to help him, often comforting him and feeding him, but he rejects their advances. He begs them to let him out, cries for Louis late at night and fights when they tell him Louis is someone of his past.

Week 7 he's going back to his therapists room. He spends way too much time in here and he doesn't talk much. They say the sooner he opens up the sooner he can go home, but he doesn't want to go home. His home is Louis' arms and he knows they won't send him there.

"Hello, Harry," Dr. Dunn greets him. Harry scowls at the old man and sits down on the old leather couch. Dr. Dunn clears his throat and picks up his clipboard. "Yesterday we ended on the subject of Louis. Who's Louis?"

"My boyfriend," Harry answers immediately. His voice is gruff and emotionless.

"Okay. How'd you meet him? Tell me all about him," the doctor quickly clings to the topic. It's like he can tell it's something Harry will open up about.

"I met him at a party. I was having trouble being with all the people and he brought me outside and just talked to me... He's beautiful," Harry tells him softly. Dr. Dunn smiles and leans forward.

"How? Tell me, Harry."

"He just is. When I'm with him I know he loves me. After Gemma died it felt like no one did and then he came and I felt loved again. Important. He always knows what to say and how to make it better. He makes me better I think. There's nothing about him that's not beautiful," Harry admits. Dr. Dunn is writing stuff down quickly and then glances back up at Harry.

"I've been told by your parents that Louis is the problem. They say he's the one that got you into drugs," Dr. Dunn says carefully. Harry looks down at his hands folded across his lap and then starts to pick at his nails.

"Yeah. He's actually in a facility right now... It helped him. He felt happier on them. I felt happier on them. They help," Harry tries to explain. He doesn't want to openly admit Louis helped feed his addictions because he still wants to be with the boy. If Dr. Dunn says they can't be together Harry knows everyone will keep them apart.

"What did they help with?" The doctor asks in a whisper. Harrys looking at the ground and he blinks his eyes. His heart is hammering in his chest and he feels his breath coming quicker.

"It helped with her. Forgetting her. Taking away the pain of not having her. She left and there was this hole in my heart... I filled the hole with drugs," Harry tells him. He can feel tears rolling down his cheeks and he wipes them away grudgingly.

"Who's her? Where did she go?"

"She fucking died! Gemma died and she left me scared and lost. I was so lost and my parents left me to fend for myself. I hate them for doing this to me. I hate everyone!" Harry screams. Dr. Dunn doesn't even flinch as Harry pulls on his hair and continues to cry. "I want Louis. Why did they take him away from me?! He protects me and loves me. No one else," Harry continues to ramble.

"When you get better you can see him, okay? We just need to get you better," Dr. Dunn promises. Harry looks up at him, his eyes watering even more.

"Why do I always need to improve? I always need to be better. Why am I not good enough already?" Harry asks him pathetically. The doctor puts down his clipboard and gently reaches over to pat the boys knee.

"You are good enough, Harry. A lot of people love you very much. I think that's enough for today," he says. Harry just stands up and leaves the room.

Week 10 is when he starts to realize the difference. His hair and skin look nicer, his eyes more alive and he feels healthy. He starts jogging every morning and participates in his therapy sessions now. The cross never leaves his neck and he thinks about Louis everyday. He hopes the boy is doing as well as he is. He hopes he's getting healthy and that when they're both out they can be healthy together.

He walks into his therapy room and Dr. Dunn smiles warmly at him. He's grown to really like the curly haired boy and he's very happy with his improvement.

"Hey," Harry greets him. He sits down and looks at the therapist expectantly. Dr. Dunn sighs and leans back, examining the younger lad.

"I want to talk about your parents today," he starts slowly. Harry tenses at the mention of them, but slowly nods his head. He's avoided having to meet them since he's entered the facility and he's not excited to get out and see them.

"Can you tell me about them before Gemma's death?"

Harry flinches at the mention of that. There's still a gaping hole in his heart from her. The more sober he gets the more he misses her. He can't even remember her voice anymore and her face is a blurred image. He doesn't think he'll ever recover from the loss of his sister.

"They were like any parents. Gemma was always clearly the favourite but they loved me too. They were there for every event and accomplishment. They were what every kid would want," Harry tells him. It's hard to speak around the lump in his throat and he prays he doesn't cry. He always cries.

"And after her death?"

"Distant. Cold. Mean. Robin was never home and Anne lived in her room. They never talked to me, never made an effort to see if I was okay. Soon Anne started seeing another man and Robin just... Robin took his anger out on me. I think we're all just angry at the world," Harry says softly. Dr. Dunn passes him a Kleenex box and gives him a sad look.

"Angry because they took her away?" He asks and Harry nods.

"Yeah. When I used to get high - like really high - I could hear her. Her voice would come to me. Sometimes when I was just alone or scared I could hear her or feel her. I used to think I was taking the drugs to escape her, but I think I was doing it so I could conjure her up," Harry tells him. He's crying more now and he hates himself. He's so tired of crying.

"Do you miss her?"

"Everyday. Every fucking day."

Week 16 is when he officially falls apart. It's like this dam in his chest breaks and he falls to the ground in a heap of emotions. He cries because of Gemma and his parents and Louis and Liam. He cries and cries and he screams. He leaves here soon and he's not prepared to see Robin or Anne. He's not prepared to see Liam and God he's not prepared to see Louis.

What if Louis didn't get better? Harry most certainly can't live without him. He can't function without his ball of sunshine, but he can't go back to the drugs. He can't kill himself no matter how much he'd like to sometimes. He's realized here that he wishes he could die sometimes. He wishes he could be like Gemma and just disappear. How simple it would be to just leave.

Then he thinks about everyone after Gemma. How his parents became shells of who they were and how Chris won't even consider a relationship anymore. He thinks about how Liam had to hold him together so many times because Harry was shattering and he thinks about how Niall became harsh and mean. It affected everyone and Harry worries that if he left, they'd all just get worse. That Liam would need someone to hold him so he wouldn't shatter and Niall would just ignore people altogether. He wonders if Louis would follow after him and the thought makes him shutter.

Human lives seem so insignificant, but they mean so much. His life affects so many people and Gemma's affected so many different people. They all have someone that's going to be lost without them. For Gemma it was Harry. The boy was a lost soul and the person that found him was a soul even more lost then his own.

Harry blinks tiredly and looks up at the blue sky. He can feel how puffy his face is and he can feel his shattered soul starting to mend again. He doesn't need to be lost anymore. He can learn to lead himself, get better. He thinks of Louis and he hopes the boy is doing the same for the millionth time and if he isn't Harry can help him. This time Harry will hold him and wipe his tears. Harry is no longer the sad boy that lost his sister. He's just Harry.

And Harry is finally getting better.