inevitable

five

i hate you.

i hate you so, so, so much.

more than i could ever comprehend.

you are not a person of logic and reason.

you are a person of a cold heart and lies.

of honeyed words, of literal sweet nothings

but somehow i hate, and love you more for it.

-

i have to go to work eventually. so i did.

then i saw you on my shift

sobbing quietly into a cup of coffee.

i continued taking orders, mixing drinks absent-mindedly.

coffee.

why does everything remind me of you?

and now everything is brown

like the color of your warm eyes

and

like the cup of liquid you would buy on my shift

just to humour me.

you loved latte;

despised black coffee with a passion,

but you can tolerate capuccino.

—

i want to forget you.

desperately so.

but how?

how, when i have seen all your hidden sides?

i have held you as you cried, drunk.

i have explored

you

to places that nobody else has.

i have seen you vulnerable.

i have seen

e
v
e
r
y
t
h
i
n
g

you are

and it truly breaks my heart

when you put up that façade

because it shows

that i was not to be trusted.

why?

—

my heart is broken.

no, my heart is missing.

you stole it and replaced it with a bundle of guilt and sorrow and regret.

—

my eyes flick towards you again.

i have made a decision.

i will go to your show, the one you have been anticipating for weeks.

—

your appearance made me feel vulnerable.

—

i'm sorry.

i am so sorry.

but i do not know

what i am sorry for.

maybe i gave too little love.

maybe i'm not worth it.

or maybe,

you are a coward.

—

no.

i am the coward.

i am too afraid to give

and that

is why

you left.

and for that;

i'm truly sorry.

— k