inevitable

eleven

i try.

i have always tried.

i try to forget, to move on, but my head holds me tight and traps me in this hellscape we call memories.

i wonder.

i always wonder.

wondering, why is it that everything i touch crumbles?

fades away, like a song that gained popularity as fast as it lost it?

—

illusions, allegories, metaphors, all used to distance reality from you and i.

—

i locked my heart and gave you the key.

this is just another illusion, i know, an illusion that i let you go; an illusion that i'm finally free.

and i wonder again.

my thoughts swirl like the coffee i make every day, like the slow spin of the latte i give to you every day.

is it worth it?

—

is this all a game to you?

my feelings? my heart? just as trivial as a nintendo game?

like a pokemon that you can catch and train?

is that all i am to you?

—

i'm sick of myself.

i can't face the truth, and so i run, i run, and i run to the soft embrace of comparisons to push you and i away from reality.

—

run.

i run.

a wild chase.

neverending.

deep breaths, metaphors swimming in my head.

and i run.

—

because now my mind is as cloudy and convoluted as each one of your events and the music playing from my phone that i can't be bothered to turn off and your scent mixed with the perfume i bought and nothing can ever be the same again and so i cry.

—

are you happy now?

you're white, you're my light, you took all of my light away with you when you left.

and now i'm left

c
o
l
o
r
l
e
s
s
.

are you happy now?

you took all the good from me and left me ruined beyond repair.

are you happy now?

you played me like a game and left me when you lost.

are you happy now?

every time i see my workplace i see you.

are you happy now?

are you glad that your fucking selfish act worked?

are you happy now?

please, say yes.

i never could stand to see sorrow in your eyes.

—

— k.