Voices in my head

Chapter 1

Loneliness, the feeling of being left out, desperation, being alone was all that came up to me. Killing myself seemed easier than continuing to live my life. I had experienced my first heart break. The guy who stole my heart shamelessly tore it down to pieces and was ecstatic about it. I had lost my first love, I had lost my parents trust and most importantly I had lost myself.

I was 15 had just started 8th grade. Attraction, crushes, boyfriends was a new concept. I had always been a scholar till now and hence was well known in my grade. Being friends with everyone plus having the most beautiful girl of our grade as my best friend surely drew more attention to me. Guys gave us more attention cause of my best friend. I found it amusing, it boosted my confidence, and it made me feel special. We had just started high school and everyone already knew us hence some envied us, some slut shamed us and that is when it all started.

My best friend then was dating my crush of 2 years. I was no one to object because I had accepted the fact that she was prettier than me and would obviously receive more attention from everyone. I was happy because unlike others I was her best friend, I knew all her secrets and I was the one she had fun with. I never envied her beauty I was always in awe of her but when she started dating my crush, things started to change. I couldn't hear her rant about how cute her first boyfriend was or how he adored the ground she walked on.

It was 2011 and we didn't have our cell phones then. Facebook was the only source to communicate apart from landlines. Because my best friend started dating my crush, he started noticing me and he started talking to me even if it was to know what made her happy or how to woo her. It went on for a month or two and then my best friend was attracted to a senior friend of hers. My crush and my best friend broke up. He was shattered. His first love broke his heart for the first time (yello Justin Beiber fans) I picked him up and heard him cry. I tried to convince my best friend to re think her decision but her choice was clear. I heard him cry about how much he liked her and how he cannot get her out of his mind. I could feel his pain because I was going through the same thing. We started talking more now, minutes turned into hours and hours turned to sleepless nights. We got to know each other. He fell for me and I could not be happier.

As weeks passed we got close, we met every day at school and chatted once we were back. We started having snacks together during breaks. I became close with his group of friends but grew apart from my best friend. She was busy in her new relationship hanging out with her new friends and i was finally getting to know my crush's friends. In the mean time I became best friends with two people. My crush's best friend was now my brother and another one from his group became my best friend.

After months of talking he asked me out. He said he took his time because he didn't want me to be his rebound. I was happy, all I could see was he cared and my crush finally liked me back. In an instant my world was filled with roses and unicorns. He treated me like a princess. He remembered all the tiny details I told him and always made me feel better about my insecurities. I didn't hate the idea of going to school anymore. I was never a morning person but then every night I used to look forward to the morning after because of him. We talked about family, friends, career, you name it. I knew everything about him and he knew everything about me. Time passed and we were attracted more. Meeting each other for 7 hours didn't seem enough, chatting on Facebook suddenly became boring. We were craving to talk to each other, desperate to hear each other's voice. By now he had his cell phone but I still didn't have one. I used to sneak up in my room with my dad's phone and talk to him.

His name was Darwin. He was skinny and was around 5'5. He had a mole on his nose which he was insecure about but also had dimples on both his cheeks. My weakness was his smile and his sense of humor and he knew it, he knew how girls fell for him because of that damned smile. Whereas, I was just "me"; No dimples and definitely not a good sense of humor. I was a curly haired girl who was a nerd. Who liked books more than boys but he always made me feel better about it. He made me happy. He made me smile. He became my sunshine on gloomy days. Everything was perfect. I had Darwin, my brother Harry and my best friend Nitya.

Harry was Darwin's best friend and we connected when I started spending time with him during break. Harry was tall like really tall for an 8th grader. He was 6' and was skinny. His black hair and his brown innocent eyes made everyone notice him, but in a nice way. Nitya and I connected because we had a similar insecurity- "curly hair". Yes that is how we bonded. Nitya was 4'11, petite. Her skin color was what she was always insecure about. She always thought she was too dark. It took me years to convince her that it didn't matter.

Everything was flowers and unicorns until that one night. Darwin had said he loved me a couple of times since we started dating but I never said it back. Love was a strong word and I didn't want to say it for the sake of it. I didn't know the meaning of love yet and I wanted to take my time. That night was finally the night I was going to say it back to him and he knew it. He was dying to hear those three words out of my mouth. Maybe I was being immature but I had my theories. Using the love word was a big deal for me and I was finally going to say it him. That evening as soon as I finished my dinner I rushed back to my room taking my dad's phone with me. I dialed his number and he asked me how my day was. He told me how he could not wait to hear those words from me. I was enjoying his misery and decided to delay it. It was fun seeing him get all riled up about this. In a way it made me feel special because I knew he was desperate for my attention now.

That night, even after 8 years, is crystal clear in my mind. We were bickering when suddenly my parents brag into my room and asked me who I was talking to. I panicked and lied about talking to Nitya. My mom sensed something wrong and asked me to hand over the phone. I disconnected the call. My mom called the number back and found out it was Darwin. She asked him what was going on between us and said she didn't mind us being friends or whatever with a promise that we focus on building our careers right now.

Darwin panicked and he ended up blaming everything on me. He told my mom how I forced him to be with me and how I cried every night if he didn't talk to me. I was shook. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know he would betray me like this. My mom promised him I wouldn't pester him anymore and he can happily live his life. After that she looked at me and said she was very disappointed in me and how she could not look at me.

I was broken, shattered, shook, out of words I don't know. Not only did I lose my boyfriend but I also lost my parents trust. I could not understand what had happened. How things turned out so ugly? How the guy who was desperate to hear me say I loved him turned the tables on me. How my parents didn't even bother to wait for my explanation and chose to believe the worst in me. The only thought that ran in my mind was to kill myself and so that is what I did.

_xoxo

Thank you so much every one reading this. i know this is not the best but i am trying & improving. I have been wanting to write a book/ short story since like forever and now i finally have the guts to do it. Do let me know what do you all think about it in the comments and please tell me how should i improve. 

Love,

Vrundaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.