Voices in my head

Chapter 5

ALSO BEFORE THIS CHAPTER STARTS, A HUGE THANK YOU TO SHIVANGIII BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONE WHO ALWAYS SEEMS EAGER TO READ MORE AND I SWEAR THAT MOTIVATES ME TO WRITE. THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN ME AND I LOVE YOU.

I did not know how to tell my mother about it. But I knew I had to let it all out. I knew I had to tell my best friend, the only person I trust, everything that was going wrong. I wanted to stop hurting myself. I wanted someone to understand all the pain I hid beneath those cuts and I knew my mother was the only person who could help me get out of it. So I poured my heart out to her. I scooted closer towards my mother and held her hand. I had no idea what to say or how to start. I thought of different ways to frame the thoughts that were running inside my head but I could not find a way to tell her without hurting her. Hence this is how it went,

I took a deep breath and blurted out the first thought that came to my mind.

"Darwin started a rumor in the school stating you saw an inappropriate video of ours. The whole school knows about this rumor now. They call me names, they slut shame me. No one talks to me. They think whatever happened between me and Darwin is because someone sent you the MMS. I feel alone, I feel left out."; I gulped and whispered quietly.

I looked at my mother's face before continuing. Tears were now streaming down my face as the images of all the horrible things everyone did to me crawled its way back into my mind. But I knew I had to be strong for my mother. I knew seeing me vulnerable did not help the situation. Hence I continued. I forced the words out of my mouth and said;

"Darwin used this lie as a way to cover up all the things he has done to me. He said you did not give him any choice as you saw the MMS and hence he betrayed my trust now." I spat.

I swallowed hard and continued, "He is now a victim in everyone's eye. Everyone has nothing but sympathy for him and hatred for me."

My mom just hmm-ed and motioned for me to continue. But the worst part was about to begin. I had to explain my mother what made me harm myself again. I had to tell her about all the thoughts I had while I dug the blade into my skin. I had to hurt my mother now and I did not have the guts to do so.

I stared at the blank wall in front of me for five minutes. My mother was patiently waiting for me to start talking again. She knew I was hurting and how difficult it was for me to let those words out hence she was letting me take my time. Millions of thoughts were swirling in my mind. My mind was now wandering from one place to another. I could not find words to explain my action to my mom. Nothing made sense now. No reason seemed enough to justify my actions, yet again. My brain was continuously taunting me for my actions.

After a while, I took a deep breath and I confessed, "I did not want you to find out about this rumor because I was embarrassed. I was scared of how you were going to react. I was ashamed of myself because I let that guy hurt me again. I did not want to face anyone. Hence hurting myself seemed like a nice enough punishment at that time."

My mom had an unreadable expression on her face and asked, "Where and how many times have you hurt yourself?"

She looked down at me patiently waiting for me to answer. I avoided looking at her. I was having a mental debate inside my head. I was thinking whether or not I should own up to all the shit I had done and confess about every small and big scars that covered my body and hurt her more or lie about it and only talk about the cuts that covered my wrist. Decisions, decisions...

The daughter side in me said, "Do not let your mother know about all your scars. You have already hurt her enough. It will be very selfish of you if you hurt her anymore."

While the responsible side in me argued, "This is your last chance to confess everything. She is your mother, your best friend. She will obviously understand why you did it. She is giving you a chance to open up again. Do not repeat the same mistake. Do not keep your sorrows to yourself. Do not hurt your mother by lying yet again. Open up and talk."

I sighed. I was done being confused. The more time I took, the more my thoughts wavered. Hence I ended up listening to the daughter side of me. No, I did not let my mother know about all the scars and I am glad I did not. Hence when my mind came up with a decision...

I hesitated a little and lied, saying; "It is a onetime thing mother. I promise you, it will not happen again."

I pulled my sleeve up to show her those horrid marks that covered my wrist. My mother gasped when she saw my wrist. Tears were now streaming down her face again. She gently traced the marks with her finger. My mother and I sat quietly for a few minutes. I know I had upset her. I did not know how to make things better. While I was waiting for my mother to say something, I had millions of thought running in my head and the one thought that was stuck in my mind was, "How much of a disappointment I was and how I have made my mother cry." I could not get the guilt out. I was pissed at myself. The pain those scars gave me were nothing compared to the pain and guilt I was feeling then. I had made my mother cry again. I wanted to wipe those tears away, I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for hurting her every now and then, I wanted to explain it all to her, but I had no words. I could not form a sentence. I did not know what to say. The guilt of not telling her the complete truth was somewhere making me feel worse. So I just sat there crying, with her. And it was at that moment, I finally realized, "No boy, no heart break is worth this."

Minutes seemed like eternity. It seemed like we were crying since forever. My mother finally spoke to me.

She wiped away my tears and asked me, "Tell me honey, what will make this all go away? Tell me what can I do to help you. I will do whatever it takes for you to forget all of this. Just let me help you and everything will be fine," my mother promised.

She searched my face for answers. I did not know what would take my pain away; I did not know what to say. I wish I were strong enough to face my problems. I wish I had the guts to slap Darwin hard when he started that rumor. I wish I had the guts to stand up for myself. There were a lot of things that I could have done but instead I chose to be a coward, a victim and suffer. I was partly blaming myself for whatever had happened because I gave Darwin the right to walk all over me in the first place. I was so vulnerable in front of him that he decided to use this as his advantage. But I was done being a victim now. I was done crying and most importantly I was done with the judgmental assholes in my school. My brain had a decision now, a decision I knew was going to change my life forever. And so I took a deep breath and turned to my mother.

"I want to change my school. I do not want to be around these people. I want to get out of all the negative stuff and focus on what is important i.e. my studies and I can only do this when I am away from all these people. Shift me to another school. I will go wherever you say. Just take me out of this place," I pleaded.

I knew the words left my mouth were the last thing my mother had expected me to say and hence she was shocked.

After a while, when she knew I was firm on my decision, she nodded and said, "Let me talk to your father about this. Sleep and re think what you have said. We will talk about this in the morning when you are fresh and not upset. But I also want you to know I am always here to support all your decisions, good or bad. You are my little girl and I will do everything in my power to make you happy."

I nodded gratefully and went to my room to rethink the decision I had just made. I started making a list of pros and cons of what was going to happen. I knew it was a big decision and it was going to change my life, but I was totally positive and confident about it. So having made a firm decision I shut my eyes and let sleep take over my senses.

__xoxo

Hello guys,

Thank you so much to everyone reading this.

I know I did not update last week and I am sorry (I don't think anyone cares thought :/) but I promise to post an additional chapter this week, so yeah. Do let me know if you guys like the dialogues in between. Also let me know if i suck at it! 😢 Also if you have any suggestions, please let me know in the comments.

Love,

Vrundaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa