Right Now (Camila/you)

alternate ending

The pain of losing someone you loved was absolutely excruciating. It tore your heart to pieces, clinging to the deepest parts of you and making sure you felt the immense pain everytime you opened your eyes.

Y/N died a week later after our first date, when the cancer finally took over her heart, stopping it from ever beating. It was the absolute worst pain I had ever felt. Nothing I had endured in the hospital would ever amount to the pain of waking up to find she had died in her sleep.

They knew it was coming, she had become weaker as the days went by, we just had to keep our heads up in hopes she'd make it through. I made it to the hospital just as Y/N's mom fell to her knees. She let out the most painful cry. Katie, she froze. I don't think she knew what to do.

I remember wrapping my arms around her, just knowing that she was gone before the words were said. I physically felt my heart break into two. There were no words. Y/N's family had already been through so much, losing another to cancer had to be horrible.

I feel in love with a girl who just like me, was a ticking timebomb. An expiration date that changed everytime we got through another day. They let us see her, though it wasn't really her. Her chest wasn't moving, her eyes weren't open, her smile wasn't there. Her soul was gone.

It didn't really hit me until the funeral three days later. When me and my family approached the home, and I hugged the tightest that i could out of Katie. This little girl lost her sister before they could even really grow up together.

It didn't hit me until I saw her body in the casket. Her face was her face. There was colour, light makeup, just as she had liked it. It was when I saw the wig I had given her that the tears began to fall. The first thing I gave her, was being presented.

God, it hurt so bad. Looking at her and not seeing her smile, her laugh. To hug her one more time, that's all I could ever ask for. That all anyone could ever ask for. But we were never going to get it.

I couldn't even begin to describe the pain, how my heart felt so shattered. What was even harder, was being asked to speak for Y/N. At her request, one I didnt realize until her parents had given me a note. I still haven't opened it.

So I stood, paper in hand and so many pairs of eyes staring back at me. I saw Jenny in the crowd, the smallest of smiles when she looked at me. I took a breath.

"I have this paper in my hand, all the stuff I want to say, but this wouldn't do Y/N justice. It's too sappy." I laughed at my own joke as I folded the paper. "She would try to front like she was the worst person, but this girl did not have a mean bone in her body. From the second I entered the room I knew me and her were going to be good friends."

I looked to her mom and sisters. Her older sister had been at college when the news spread. She hadn't got to see Y/N much before she passed. "I loved her. She will always be special to me. She was there through the highs and lows." I paused, hearing my voice becoming thicker.

"She was, in simpler words, my epic love. We are the love story written about in books. The two cancer kids that fell in love. I will always cherish my time with her, but I will always wish i just had one more day. 24 hours to just say what I always wanted to say. I'm sure we all do." I found Lucy in the crowd, along with all her friends. She affected so many people in the span of 18 years.

I sat back down with my family, my eyes focusing on the casket. The love of my life was in there, 18 forever. I would have mever thought cancer would bring me to the girl I would love. My first kiss, my first girlfriend. My first love.

It was as the mister stood up that my hands found her note, and in that moment nothing else mattered but reading it.

Camila,

As I write this, I am insanely cold. Seriously, i have five blankets and a sweater. The only thing that warms me is you. And a really good heated blanket. If I'm going to be honest, it's really hard to write this, physically because i can hardly hold up my arm for more than a second and mentally, because this is incase we don't get our goodbye.

If you are reading this, we didn't.  Or because I forced my mom to give it to you anyways. If you read this ten years from now I wont be offenderd, all I hope.is that your life is good and you are with someone who makes you really happy.

Camila, you made me so happy. You became someone that understood me completely and that I trusted with my whole heart. You were my first love. How ironic, the thing that sends me away is the thing that lead me to you? I call it a disgusting show of fate.

None the less, I know I will die with a smile on my face knowing I died thinking of you, as someone i loved completely. I am sorry I couldn't hold on any longer, but there wasn't much more i could do. At least I'm with my dad again. God I miss him so much, I hope to tell him all about you.

As I write this, I want you to promise me one thing; stay connected with my family. They've lost two people to cancer, it's going to be rough. Especially for my mom. Visit them once and a while. They'll need you. Hope that's not too much pressure.

I love you so much. I've never loved someone as much as I do you. You gave me a love story within our limited days, I can never thank you enough. I will be with you always, holding your hand every step of your long and beautiful life.

Camila, you are the love of my life. But please, find someone who will take care of you. And live your life. That's all i want for you.

I'm tired. Im counting down the days till I see you, until then.

Y/N

***

The sad ending of the story that i should have posted. But alas, here it is. A year later. Over the course of this book being published, ive recieved so many messages about how this book moved people, made them think differently or theyre going through the same thing. I even made a beautiful friend would i love v dearly♡ your love and support and vulnerability towards me and thus book had been so overwhelming and it makes me so happy. Maybe I'll make this into a better book, one worthy of publishing. Thank for everything, pls continue to message me. I love you all so very much. Bless you all.

-jacklyn