guilty of devotion - [dnp au]

16.:. 24 floors // the maine

TW: discussions about the previously occurred DEATH, SUICIDAL intentions

january 31st

yes to sweet words formed by a bittersweet tongue,
yes to the beam, how on my mouth it stung;

haunted. emotionally haunted the second i wake up, when i touch any shirt she'd bought for me, when someone complains about missing home, when i tidy my room, when i touch my phone. without a break.

after dan ensured i won't hurt myself if i stay alone in my room while he leaves to bring jack to 555, my best friend had offered me to, from now on, call his home my own. said i could live there if i wanted to, until we figure out how to exist in the future.

truth is, i see no need to anymore. now that all i ever had after my parents deaths is gone with the wind. landed elsewhere, too far to reach.

jack also wouldn't let me go for hours, not even when i'd required space. he knows me well, he knows i cannot be left alone for a second when in a state that miserable. miserable and not as in crying to the point where i'm choking and spitting, and buried in tissues; miserable as in arms hugging my legs, sitting on the window sill beside a window wide open, incapable of breathing, still and pale like a ghost, no words coming out of my mouth. with jack holding a hand over the crossed arms around my knees, aware that i need air but careful of any suicidal behaviour.

that night dan slept elsewhere, inexperienced in how to comfort a friend who's lost someone a minute ago. jack, however, stayed up with me for every second of the night from january 19th to 20th, sometimes talking, sometimes keeping the quiet around us for hours.

on saturday morning, the day after the accident, authorities called me, asking whether my aunt had life and home insurance. because if so, i need both sent in within the next 12 hours.

i remember almost shouting at the monotonous voice's owner on the other side of the phone, wanting to express how unfairly they're treating someone in my state, but jack took over before i could, insisting on details. he, therefore, arranged it all for me.

besides the times he brought us food en had cooked, which jack munched quickly whereas i moved vegetables around the dish helplessly, dan returned on sunday evening, speaking to jack privately before the older left to finally bathe.

when my real roommate took over, i'd decided to stop lying with hands on my lap all day long. i began to feel disgusting, argued with dan when he wouldn't let me go take a shower on my own, changed into a different set of pajamas and went to sleep, beforehand yelling at dan when he'd searched for matches to light a candle.

on tuesday, january 23rd, jack and i caught a flight to manchester for the funeral on wednesday. he'd rented an airbnb apartment in one of the richest parts of the city for three nights - the day we arrived, the funeral one and an extra (for exploring). exploring - jack's attempt of trying to distract me from the previous day, on which i'd finally managed to be the other kind of miserable and cried every second after waking up.

on friday, when jack and i were already back in the dorms, i'd realized a week has passed since. as well as that fridays are ruined for a while now.

friday afternoon, however, was the first proper amount of time i was alone. dan had lectures until five and he'd walked en to her bus after, expecting our arrival to be late at night.

when the brunet stormed into the room at six, glancing at my bed briefly and then once again to find out i'm on it, he'd stared at the lines tears had left on my cheeks, mouth slightly opened, backpack swinging back and forth at his ring finger.