guilty of devotion - [dnp au]

8.:. 505 // arctic monkeys

TW: mentions SEXUAL ASSAULT, DEATHS of PARENTS and SUICIDAL INTENTIONS

october 19th

i'm not satisfied with how things are. not at all.

my refusal to get intoxicated before i've figured out how to deal with dan, of course, is pissing jack off. come on, phil, it can wait until tomorrow. we, however, won't get the chance to experience this night again. he had just uttered from where he, a huge bottle of vodka and some lemon juice are laying on the floor by the mysterious balcony of our room, which i still haven't checked out due to my destructive pondering.

it was indeed hard to believe that MAC would allow us to stay at a hotel this cosy and sweet. it is so unlike the disgusting, mouldy dorms that were probably last repaired twenty years ago. i don't think anyone would like to step a foot inside of their rooms if the students themselves weren't allowed to refurbish them however we wanted to.

- it can't wait until tomorrow. i won't be able to enjoy anything unless i talk to him. - i sigh at my party pooper tendencies, receiving a bummed out response from my best friend, who had now risen up from his position by the wall, attempting to open up the door to the balcony.

- why is it so important? it's no big deal, you said it yourself.

i look down at my fingers, discovering they're trembling. perhaps because of my sleep deprivation caused by the piles of school work. could be the infrequent yet demolishing anxiety i'm suffering as well.

in all honesty, though, what dan had declared earlier in the day was a big deal to me - i'm privileged enough to say that people treating me badly isn't something i constantly encounter - but i couldn't let the others be even more mean to him after today. addressing the situation as if i - the somewhat victim of dan's strange outburst - wasn't that affected would hopefully clear the air.

- i get it. you're devoted to him. but christ, phil, you don't even know him that well. what if the way he acted earlier is how he's actually like, as a person? look at it this way, even en, the girl who's been all over him since day one is avoiding him. if that doesn't say something, i don't know, man. - jack's back is pressed against the door he was just having trouble opening whereas he's rolling cigarettes from the cheap cherry flavoured tobacco we'd bought at a sketchy store in galway and placing them into his marijuana themed tobacco case.

when jack's elbow by accident hits the window sill on which he's been rolling and pieces of the toxic plant fall on the floor, i, entertained by the view, choose to respond.

- the two of us live together, i'm pretty sure i've got the picture by now. dan.. he's something else. - i gulp at the end, plainly contemplating my obvious feelings for the boy.

i was never allowed to publicly like boys where i'm from and even now, for the sake of en, along with dan's suspicious homophobia, it's for the best to hide my crush. not that i'm succeeding, judging by dan's girlfriend's death glares whenever him and i are in the same room.

after my father's - the only family member's i had left - sudden death at the beginning of 2016, i discovered an urge to start over again, being the person i am in an absolutely new place with no one familiar around. so i began to look for ways to achieve it.

while scrolling through numerous websites for hours on end, an art college, claimed to be the most tolerant and accepting irish school by poc, lgbtq+ and several religion representative graduates, caught my eye. it seemed like the perfect option for well, me.

to my dear aunt, who's been taking care of me since my dad's accident, i told a story about an internet friend lucy, someone lovely enough to offer me a stay at their place while i'd take the entrance exams to get in mac. the same story, in hopes of preventing someone from finding out about my past, i've told to practically everyone here. but of course, lucy does and did not exist.