"Laci?" A distant voice yelled out of the darkness; I couldn't make out who it was but they sounded worried. I heard them take a few more steps in my direction, but I didn't move or acknowledge them: My throat was raw from screaming and my whole body ached from having a piece of my heart ripped out. "Laci!" they yelled again as they started running towards my crumbled form in the lawn. As they stepped into a small sliver of light I could make them out, through my tear clouded eyes, to be a tall tan boy with dark hair; my heart skipped a beat as I prayed Tom had come back to apologize. My dream was quickly crushed as the figure crouched down next to me: It was Chris.
"Laci, what the hell are you doing out here?" He brushed my hair off of my face revealing my running makeup and tear stained cheeks. "What's happened?"
When I didn't answer either question he just scooped me up into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he carried me into the house like I was a baby. He put me down on my bed and I instantly curled back into a ball. I didn't say a word to him not even a simple thank you: I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I wanted to be alone and never have to talk about this night ever again. This is not how tonight was supposed to end up. Tom was supposed to stay and comfort me. He was supposed to agree with or at least accept my decision. He wasn't supposed to get pissed. He wasn't supposed to leave and he was most definitely not supposed to break up with me. But look where I was: I was a mess on my bed hoping this wasn't real- it couldn't be.
"Laci please just talk to me. I'm worried about you: I've never seen you like this before" It was true, Chris had never seen me so defeated in my life; I was always a fighter. I've never cried in front of him before, not even the time when I walked into the corner of a wall splitting my forehead. Blood was gushing from the split and rushing down my face but I didn't own up to the pain I was experiencing I simply just sat up and calmly told him to get mommy- I was about six at the time.
He shook my shoulder lightly trying to get me to open up; I didn't budge. I watched as his eyes wandered picture to picture of Tom and me and then suddenly realized he should have been here. "Where's Tom?"
"W...W...We..." I stuttered as tears began to form again. "We got in a... in a fight"
"And he just left you out on the lawn like this?" His voice rose, he was pissed.
I could tell how angry Chris was just at me being left on the lawn crying. I couldn't tell him the truth, I couldn't tell him I was pregnant, that Tom broke up with me because I wanted an abortion, or how yes he did just leave me on the lawn crying as he walked away as if I was a nobody. I couldn't let a twelve year friendship be washed down the drain because of me. I couldn't have Chris end his friendship or even worse beat the crap out of Tom because of me. I wouldn't allow myself to be held responsible for the destruction of that: I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did. So once again I had to decide what was best for everyone involved which in this case was lie.
"No." I uncurl from my ball like position and pull myself up so I am sitting and looking at Chris. I pull my knees tight into my chest with my arms as if they would stop everything from pouring out of me, as if they were keeping me whole. I took a deep breath and began "We got in a fight up here; I yelled some pretty shitty things to him and then yelled at him to get out. He told me it was over and stormed out of the house. I didn't think he would actually leave, so I chased him out of the house. I was too late though he had already gotten in his car and began to drive away. I sat down in the lawn and cried as I watched the tail lights disappear. I don't really know what happened next, but I'm guessing I just ended up falling asleep crying because the next thing I remember is you running across the lawn towards me" I prayed I would be able to convince him
"Laci..." was all he could muster saying before wrapping his arms around me and enveloping me. He rocked me back and forth as tears danced down my cheeks. I hid my head between my knees because as much as I hated crying in front of him I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried.
"Chris, I just wanna be alone and go to bed" I said weakly after about ten minutes of the two of us sitting together silently as I tried to stifle my tears.
"Alright, if you need me I'm only a room away" He got up and kissed me on the forehead
"Thank you" I whispered so low that it was barely auditable as he pulls my door closed.
After he left, I slowly got up from my bed and changed out of my outfit from the party which was now wet from not only my tears but the grass outside. I grabbed a giant blue sweatshirt with a white hood and small union jack flag on the right side of it out of my draw and threw it on; the bottom of the shirt hitting just below my thighs. As I passed it over my head I took a giant breath inward, inhaling a scent I was so very familiar with: Tom's. I walk around examining every single picture in the room; "how had this happened?" I thought to myself we both seemed so happy in every single one we had together there was always smiles, kisses, or funny faces.
I went over to my overflowing bookshelf and grabbed one; from the side it seemed like a plain unmarked black book. As I pulled it free from the other books the front cover came into view, the words 'Forever and Always' written in script above my perfectly painted picture of Tom and I: we were both sixteen at the time of the picture, my curly hair brushed off the right side of my face as Tom kissed my cheek while my famous cheesy cheek to cheek grin was plastered on my face. The book was basically the story of every major event in mine and Tom's relationship. I sat down on my bed Indian style pulling the sweatshirt over my legs and opened the book.
"May 25, 2010: The start of it all" was scribbled on top of the first page. I began to read but I couldn't get myself to finish as tears started to fall onto the pages threatening to smudge the ink. I quickly flipped through the pages past love notes, doodles, photo booth strips, receipts, wrappers of various items and everything in-between until I found a blank page. I sloppily wrote "July 29, 2011: The night it all came crashing down" and attempted to write the painful story that had unfolded as tonight progressed. My hand shook as I wrote and tears splattered all over the page leaving behind a mess on the page: very fitting of how tonight was if you ask me.
After completely becoming emotionally exhausted from putting myself through the night all over again, I still had one last thing I needed to do before going to sleep: text Tom.
"Dear Tom, I'm sorry for telling you I didn't care what you thought, your opinion does matter to me, but I also have to do what's best for not only me but everyone that could potentially be involved. I can't go through with having this baby Tom; I can't be that girl who get pregnant at 17 and has a baby at 18. I'm not emotionally capable to handling this. I have way too much going on in my life; I have my diving career- the Olympics will be going on this time next summer. I have to be diving in them and so do you- I can't be out from diving for nine plus months- I would miss qualifiers and everything else important to diving and you can't be distracted by a baby or pregnant me either this is you're big moment- your dad wouldn't have wanted anything other than your success in the upcoming games. There's also Chris: if he found out the truth you would be dead and the friendship between you two would be ended instantly. I couldn't do that to the two of you: that friendship has been around way longer than you and I have been together. You have to believe that I'm doing this because it's the right decision for the circumstances surrounding up. I'm not being in anyway selfish. I know you were upset and pissed off with me and I'm sorry for that I never wanted to cause that or hurt you. But I can't believe you would just leave me all alone at a time like this, I can't believe you just ended everything we had for the past year and two months so suddenly and shake me off if I meant nothing to you. I keep hoping that you'll come back and apologize and take everything back. If I still mean anything to you please just respond. I need you more than anything right now. Please Tom, Please. My appointments tomorrow at noon, please come with me I need someone there with me. Even now after everything that's happened tonight I still love you and I will Forever and Always. Please don't leave me like this..."
I pressed send and began slowly crying myself to sleep.
