After the night Tom ate dinner over I slipped into a state of depression: it was just too much, it was like I had been slapped in the face with rejection over and over again. Ever since I slammed the door that night I hadn’t left the room, I barely ate, and all I did was cry or sleep. My mother tried to get me out of the room many times; however, no matter how hard she tried I wouldn’t budge: all I did was stay balled up and scream until she would eventually leave, most times crying. “Honey, don’t you want to get back to diving?” she would ask over and over again, it had been all I talked about after A-Day, but I’d just shrug: I didn’t want to get back to anything- after what Tom had said to me I felt worthless. I had no drive to get up and do anything.
Today something inside me changed: I realized how much I regretted shutting myself out from the world for the past two months. I couldn’t believe I let myself stop diving, seeing my friends, and causing my own mother to cry. I was going to prove Tom wrong: I was going to show him that I hadn’t made the worst mistake of my life; I was going to succeed in everything.
“Mom…” I call out timidly. I could see her sitting in the kitchen sipping her coffee as I slowly make my way down the stairs in what feels like forever.
“Laci, what’s wrong?” She asks surprised by the fact that I was out of my room. She gets up out of her chair and instantly begins feeling my forehead with the back side of her right hand, checking for a fever, while her left hand rested on my shoulder.
“Nothing, mom, nothing’s wrong” I brush her hands away from me. A smile begins to creep onto her face. “I’m done with locking myself in my room. I have to get back into the real world and I really want to no need to go back to diving” I saw tears forming in her eyes as she pulled me into a super close and tight hug
“Honey, I’m so glad. You had me scared: I thought you’d never leave your room.” This time the tears actually did fall from her eyes
“I know, I’m so so so sorry for everything.” Now tears began to well up behind my eyes thinking about how much pain, stress, and worrying I had put her through. “I just want everything to go back to how they used to be”
“It’s fine sweetie, I don’t blame you for any of it.” She gives me one last tight squeeze “I promise, everything will go back to normal; just give it time.” She kisses me on the forehead before leaving the room and says “I’ll go call Andy to see when he can take you for training sessions”
For the first time in a long time, a smile began to spread across my face and I do a little happy dance as I hear her beginning to talk to Andy in the living room. I felt like maybe she was right: maybe things could get back to normal.
*
“ANDY!” I yell at the top of my lungs as I charge into the pool area, a sudden wave of energy and happiness surging over me as the familiar scent of chlorine hits me.
“Miss Mears” he says with a serious straight face. His face is quickly lost as he burst out laughing as I fall from slipping on a small patch of water. “We finally got you back, please don’t get hurt!”
“I’m fine! I’m fine!” I say quickly getting up before Andy even offers me his hand.
“Well let’s get right to diving then” He says with a slight chuckle. “Start on the three meter springboards, I don’t want you getting hurt since you’ve been out for a while”
“The three meter? Come on Andy can’t I go higher, I’m a ten meter diver” I whined slightly: all I wanted was to get back on the ten meter platform and dive as if I had never taken an extended leave from diving.
“You’re lucky I’m not just putting you on the trampoline for the entire training session today” I sighed and began walking to the steps.
As soon as I step onto the first step an instant rush of energy came over me and I begin to sprint up them until I reach the springboards. I suddenly stop dead in my tracks: the last time I had made it this far up the steps was the day I came charging back down them and towards the garbage can.
“Laci are you okay?” I heard Andy yell up at me probably noticing the look of horror cross my face. I just nod my head up and down quickly a few times and begin walking onto the board. “Okay I want to see a forward one and a half somersaults piked”
‘That’s so bloody simple’ I thought to myself but didn’t dare say it out loud to Andy: I didn’t want to be stuck on the trampoline. I needed to be up on the boards and platforms. For the first time in my diving career I was nervous about a dive; I just let out a deep breath as I made my way to the edge of the board trying to push those thoughts out of my head. There was no need to be nervous I had done this dive thousands of times, and yet thoughts of me being worthless flooded into my mind. I was unable to shake them and I suddenly felt as if I couldn’t do this.
“I can’t do this Andy” I cried out stopping at the edge of the spring board. I felt tears welling up behind my eyes- for someone who never used to cry, I’ve been crying way too much lately.
“What do you mean, Laci?” He was highly confused
“Diving. I can’t dive anymore. It’s been too long. I can’t do it I’m not good enough” I sat down on the board, my legs dangling over the edge; I close my eyes and place my face into my hands.
“Laci what has gotten into you, two minutes ago you were a bundle of energy fighting me to move up to a higher board and now you’re basically having a panic attack on the three meter? You can do this; you’re one of my best divers if not the best at the club.” I start to loosen up again. “And I don’t care how long it’s been: it could have been a year and I’d still be telling you the same thing- you can do this- and really it’s only been what?- a little over two months. You’ve been on holiday for nearly as long. So stand back up and get yourself off the board”
I get up brushing away the few tears that have escaped through my eyelids and walk back to the start of the board. Andy was right I can do this- I have to.
‘screw you asshole, I can do this’ I mumbled under my breath before running the length of the board and jumping off. As soon as I was in the air I pulled myself into the pike position and somersaulted through the air with ease and landed into the water with what I prayed were straight legs.
“How do you feel that dive went?” Andy asked as I surface from the water in the pool next to where he was standing. His face was very even; it showed no signs of whether the dive sucked or was good.
“It’s been a while, so I guess it was alright…” I shrug
“Only alright?” he asks. He seemed very skeptical about my response.
I don’t know how to respond “yeah, I don’t really know how to feel about it”
“Laci Mears are you crazy!” he almost yells at me and I was taken aback for a second. “That was an amazing dive for any time not just only because you have been out for a while. Actually it was a perfect dive you would have scored tens across the board” He was basically jumping up and down.
“You better not be joking with me right now Andy” I say as I pull myself out of the pool. I sit down on the edge my stupid goofy smile spreading across my face; I thought that that ridiculous smile was gone forever but fortunately and unfortunately it still existed.
Andy didn’t respond but only just laughed and smiled at me. I knew at that point he was telling the truth: Andy never lied about how a dive was and when you questioned him about it he would never answer because he believed he shouldn’t have to validate himself.
The rest of practice seemed to go just as swimmingly and I just couldn’t believe that even after all the shit I had been through that somehow I was still up to my normal standard, if not better.
“Bye Andy, I’ll see you tomorrow” I yelled as I skipped out of the gym in a very upbeat, peppy mood. As soon as I stepped outside I began bolting to my car, which was literally parked in Guam, because with my sopping wet hair, my grey with pink lettering ‘Adidas is the shit’ t-shirt, matching pink skinny jeans and grey ballet flats I was slightly shivering in the cool September air.
“Laci Rae Mears?” I hear a voice call out to me as I unlocked my car door. I turn around and couldn’t believe my eyes at who was standing a couple feet away from me.
