To the Beat of My Heart

Prologue

Leo, I know you don't want to hear from me ever again. I just want there to be some explanation. No matter how weak. I just want you to know I do value you and I loved getting to know you. But I should tell you why I felt the way I felt and how we got to this point.

I've stayed in his shadow, and that's kept me safe. I like being a nobody. Forgotten. Look what happens when I decide to step out from that safe bubble and... play with fire. With your heart. I didn't want... this.

I said to you that I didn't want you using my connection to Clay and you'd end up stepping all over me. Now, it's exactly the opposite. That same connection will likely have consequences for you. I know you don't need this shitshow of a life dragging yours down. And I'm sorry. Sorry you got hurt. Sorry the whole world now knows who you are and the Hudsonite masses will tear you apart for causing beef in Clay's life. I don't know what to say to you. Don't know how I can help you avoid the worst of this. Any of this.

Fuck. I hope you read this... give me a chance to explain, Leo. What happened with this whole fucking Venice—

I should have been honest from the start. Venice was supposed to be chill, a chance to really get to know you. I loved that I got to meet you, even if it was super shady and selfish of me but what happened there... Well, we just set the floating city on fire.

I want so badly for this to be a different story, a different scandal. We could laugh at my little pun there. Fuck. I'm so scared and shattered right now. I can't feel anything other than this fucking emptiness that's ripping me apart from the inside.

I've ruined everything in my life. I think I've lost the most important person in my life. That's still sinking in, sending ripples out, and I'm drowning. It feels that final. It's felt like that for a while now but now it's really hitting.

I should have tried to change that, get my head out of that fucking slump, but I've been trapped in darkness so long it feels like there's no way out. I've felt myself fester and become a version of myself the old me would have clocked in the face. Kai, this guy on tour. Our bassist. He's a wild card, let's just leave it at that. He offered me weed. I took it. Can you believe that? Not so long ago just seeing his face would make me want to knee him in the balls so fucking bad. He would break me without even saying a word. Just the smug look on his face says it all.

And I know this isn't his fault. I guess I just wanted you to know that I thought drugs, really any kind of toxic for my body would be a sweeter pain, a sweeter release.

I can't see more than like three feet in front on me... everything is sinking in on me. Crushing. Suffocating. I did this.

I hope you can forgive me. I wish I could forgive myself. I started this inferno. I just don't know if I can clean it up.

Sorry for the corny poetics. I'm always good at—

Not good—

Just like to sound smarter than I really am. Disguise my pain with humour and fancy words. You knew that day one, and you didn't care. You should have.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, Leo. I wish I could mend the trust I broke but it's best we stay away from each other for good. I'm not trying to win you back. I know I can't. No one will know your face in two weeks. But they'll know mine.

Ironic, isn't it? I said I liked being forgotten. Ignored.

Now it feels like the whole world wants blood. Mine. I lost you, I know. But losing him... I'm sorry you were never gonna be him. My Clay. I'm sorry I let you think otherwise. Hate me. I'd understand. Let me be a bad story and nothing more.

I've always been an attention-seeker to most. A freak. Loving myself was never part of the question. Maybe love was a lie I thought I could hold onto as long as I could, and I believed I was worthy of it. You convinced me that I was, and I believed you. You were wrong, and I'm sorry.

Shit, you weren't the only one. I'm just as much of a fool for believing. Cause it was never you. It never could be. And maybe it's time to stop believing anyone could ever love me, because I'm no good. No good as a manager, no good as a friend.

No good as his boyfriend. You know, one day we'd be something—

Something—

It doesn't matter.

I was wrong. So wrong.

And now we're all paying the price for my lie.

*****

A little tease. In Finding the Pure Note, it starts with a confession from Clay set towards the end of the book when everything has gone horribly wrong, and he feels utterly and hopelessly lost. Looks like the cycle repeats itself with Fletcher. With chapter one, we go back in time, months before this text.

If this were to be published, I would have each of these lines in text bubbles. The parts where he cuts out mid-sentence are reflective of sending out a string of texts and the fractured nature of texting itself. I juggled with ending the prologue with Fletcher hesitating before hitting send, but I think it ends intriguingly enough.

There's so much I have to juggle and this is without a doubt the hardest book I have ever written. I spent so much time planning and researching this. I know it's gonna be a fun one to write, and I hope you read on. Thanks.