To the Beat of My Heart

A Long Way From Okay

"Fletcher, wait!"

I freeze up. I've missed his voice so much. It has a power beyond just his killer vocal chords. I find myself turning slowly to face him. Clay says softly to come in. And so I do.

I stand awkwardly in the foyer while Clay clicks the door shut behind him.

"You know," he says, almost a whisper, "this is still your home."

I grimace. I have nothing to say to that. The minimalist art pieces, marble tiling and sky blue walls. Mahagony staircase leading to the master bedroom and guest rooms. Also the music mixing room. There's a quiet study to the left, walls of Vinyls and CDs. I go in there to listen to music, to unwind. It was always a sanctuary in what was already enough of a sanctuary. These walls are new, but they were ours.

Clay tells me to follow him and I do. We find ourselves in the living room. Clay sits on one sofa and I take the other. I sit primly, like I'm a guest. In my own fucking home.

"I've, uh," Clay says, clearing his throat. "I've had a long time to think. I... I didn't know how to, um, how to react to the... the article." I blink. This is torture. "My first thought was to outright dismiss it. It's bullshit. You'd never... But the way you've been with this Leo... And, like, you didn't fight this. You ran. Left me behind. What else could I think? I felt like you were slipping from me for a while now but I... Shit, I didn't know it was that fucked already."

I swallow. The words refuse to come out. I want to cry. Clay looks like he does as well. Still, he presses on. "First thought, like the only thing I could think of was to try and drown it all out. I let Kai take me out. I was so wasted and... it wasn't doing shit. I told Kai to take me back to the hotel. And then I found you on the ground like that and... I was so... I could barely stand. I was dry heaving and I felt like I was going to vomit everywhere. I thought my life was over. I was so fucking terrified. I stayed in that hospital for a full twenty-four hours. We've been there before... 

"I'm glad it was only a botched LSD. Fuck, I know I was poisoning myself with cannabis, oxy... speed... You name it. I know how fucking scary that is. Like, your heart beating so damn hard it feels like it's gonna burst. Euphoria so powerful it almost makes you forget about the constipation and other shit. Then the dependancy, the cravings, all that shit... You lived through it. I thought you were better than this. Than me."

"I know," I say. "I know! I wasn't thinking. I was trying everything to shut my brain off. I know I should have just talked to you. Easier to say in hindsight... Fuck up first. Regret, regret..."

"The doctor," Clay shudders, almost spitting the words out, "told me you'd be okay. If not... The relief gave way. I was just so pissed and... no, worse. I hated you, hated myself for letting this happen. I didn't want to speak to you, for a long time. I just needed time.

"Before I got on the plane from Zürich, I got a..." He gulps. "A call. From a random number. I almost didn't pick it up. For some reason," he shakes his head, wearing a weary smile, "I answered. It was Leo." Clay lets that sink in. And man, does it have my insides rioting. I exhale through my teeth and wait for the utter heartbreak that lays ahead.

"How?" I know what comes next will leave jagged scars. But you don't just get Clay's number randomly. The answer hits me before Clay even speaks. "Jaz..."

"Yeah. I figured what she was doing... Clearly Leo wanted to get through to me, for you... Jaz meddles. I can't blame her."

"For me?" I can't get over that. Shouldn't Leo be cussing me out, apologising to Clay about how despicable I am and how I orchestrated this entire bloody nightmare?

"They said..." Clay scratches at his forehead with his thumbnail, clearly struggling to articulate this all. "Um... they wanted to apologise for everything, to, uh, explain what... what really happened. Between you two. They said they kissed you. They were obsessed with you. It wasn't really your fault."