To the Beat of My Heart

I Am Me

'So let me just say it. I'm trans.'

I have to put my phone down a sec. This is...

I retrieve my phone and immediately start hammering out a response. The little dots appear and Leo's message comes in first.

'Please don't hate me. I couldn't stomach it if you were a transphobe and hated me.'

I stop, delete what I was typing and respond before Leo can spiral into a panic attack with the anticipating. I know that feeling shockingly well. Your stomach is a bloody disaster. Breathing stops. Head feels like it's crushing in.

'It's a lot to process but no. Of course I don't hate you, you random goof. I started this relationship with my most vulnerable truth. No judgements, right?'

'Right. No judgements. Whew. Like actual sigh of relief. You have no idea how grateful I am. I mean like it's gigantic and yet it's just who I am. I don't need this to be a big deal but I do want to lay out some truths.

'Kyung Soon is my birth name. Leo is who I identify as. Not like my folks really get that you know? They're super Asian. That's fine. I mean not really fine but I've accepted long ago they're never gonna see my exactly the way I want them too but it's important if others can understand.

There's a long gap where nothing comes in. I'm sitting in Clay's dressing room. Alone. I can just hear the faint sound of music drifting in from soundcheck. I wanted to be out there watching. Being alone is what you need sometimes. Then other times your head is a suffocating prison and you need others around you, even if it's only a false comfort.

I just knew whatever Leo was gonna drop, I needed away from the noise and distraction. I'm glad I can put my full focus on this. I feel kinda honoured that Leo is telling me. If Tourette's was this silent thing, would I tell anyone? Would it be like coming out to friends? But no, Tourette's is loud. There's no escaping it. Even now my neck acts up and my nose wrinkles in anticipation of a snort. I've never been acting for attention like all the pricks assumed. I know it hurts but I've had years to accept this part of me. Same goes for Leo as well. We share that.

The dots return and I rejoice.

'Sorry. I'm kinda losing it here. Like I'm typing this so damn fast and I know texting usually gives you room to breathe. I wish I could just chat shit with you. Throw back a few drinks. Man, I wish this wasn't just words on a screen.'

We could call any time, Leo. The idea of hearing your voice now feels a little intimidating. But I feel like we've gone well past the stage of casual acquaintances. We've told each other truths that are crippling in a world that's still too fresh to fully accept them.

'My experience is different from other people's, right? There's no like one transgender experience. How I act and dress and all that shiz is me. Mum and dad... like I've had to deal with their shit for years. That's its own thing. 

'Thing is all I'll describe it as for now. It's the future that mortifies me. Not just how people on the street see me but like jobs and companies not hiring me. It's super bad in Seattle right now. The opportunities are real slim. I've read articles on big like legit sites about people who have been kicked out of home and are really struggling to make ends meet. I know restaurants in the Bay Area don't often hire trans people. They can't stay staffed and minimum wage is abysmal. Like not even enough for the shittiest apartment. Tips are a joke. I'm scared. I'm gonna keep saying it. I actually laughed out loud. I'm such a mess!

'I don't think you're a mess. I think you're pretty cool. And brave.'

'Brave is not how I feel. But I appreciate the kind words, bro.'