To the Beat of My Heart

You'll Fly

I smile and guide Clay's finger to the upload button. And done. The picture goes out to Clay's Instagram. Us snuggled on the sofa, candlelight behind us. The caption is simple: 'I love him forever and always. He makes mistakes. So do I. We're fucking adults. We talked it out. Never loved him more.'

It would have been simple to just not say anything. You'd get a million comments cursing me and crying for Clay to cut me loose, that I'm some irredeemable piece of shit. For a long while there, I thought so too. I think we live in a culture now where to be vulnerable and flawed can have people casting you to the ground, stomped on and despised. There is no perfection. I did something stupid. Many stupid things. And I understood that. I try and make up for it every day now with Clay.

Speaking of... It's been a solid month of lounging about the house, ordering takeaway, Clay writing music on his guitar, and at night, the stereo goes on full blast as we slow dance in the kitchen. Then that leads to something more. We're a few glasses of wine in by that point. Clay touches me in ways he never has before. Life is good.

Clay and I talked a lot about how and if we would address the fans. In the end, we decided to let them know where we stand. To let them know that love is stronger than hate. Many won't understand. They don't have to. They don't know our life and they can only judge from a distance. Life is too short to worry about those people.

Chelsea comes over once a fortnight when her Uni timetable isn't so hectic. We sing karaoke as we drink ourselves stupid. Just the three of us. A day made perfect.

Clay has been helping me look at Uni courses involving stage management. I want to do what Jaz does. I mean, maybe. Maybe I might change my mind down the line. That's okay, too. I just know I've managed Clay the past few years so I can definitely claim to have experience on the job. It would give me a sense of purpose, anyway. I dunno. I know I'm not alone though. Whatever I do, if I fail, if I break down crying... I have Clay and so many others to pick me back up. I can let them in.

Clay and I are way more open than we ever were before. We tell each other when we're pissed at the other. We spill our shameful secrets. If they involve wanting to break the other's pinkie finger because they are being so obtuse. Or even lurid sexual fantasies. Sometimes they aren't so depraved, and we try them out. They say the best relationships are that way because there is that awareness you're always discovering more about your partner. It makes it exciting and if we can love each other in our foulest moods and our lowest, that's worth as much as all the smiles. You also learn some pretty bizarre, even adorable habits.

Like, for instance, Clay measures time in songs. 'Oh yeah, that'll take me one Macklemore and a Billie Eilish.' Ooh, also that he hates a room in dead silence. That the silence is too fucking loud and it stresses him out. Little things like that which endear him ever more to me, and honestly stun me because I've known this guy's weird tics and habits since we were five.

Life starts to feel... if not normal, manageable. The joy lasts a little longer. We've taken a few hits. We'll take a few more. It just feels like each blow leaves us stronger, somehow. Like somehow I get more protective over him than I was before. Like I'm afraid a little knock will shatter us like glass. And then I have to learn to let go a little, because Clay is holding just as tightly to me.

I ask Clay if he has FOMO after the tour. He admits he is itching to get back on stage. But a tour is out of the question.

"Tours bring enough drama. I'll play some small gigs. I want to keep things simple. I want to spend more time with you."

We were together basically every day during this tumultuous European tour. Even so, the distance was palpable. Spending time with me now means asking what I want to do, not just enjoying the sights. It means we talk more, and he becomes so in love with just watching me I notice and after I blush some, we just end up kissing a lot. Who needs words at that point?