To the Beat of My Heart

Easy Oblivion

Tomorrow morning, Spain.

Fuck, that sentence is insane and yeah I'm pretty bloody lucky to be on this tour with Clay and... oh right, depression back at it again. Can't focus on the positive. Minimise... Minimise.

If there's one thing I can focus on, it's this. I lean into the side of the bus—today it takes us to the airport and from there we hire another bus. Tommy reunites with us in Italy. Crew go in and out packing equipment. The guys are inside. I'm biting my thumbnail waiting for Mrs. Hudson to pick up.

It's been bugging me. Who the hell was Clay talking to on the phone? The best guess I have is his mum. She's really the only other support network he could lean into and she knows the same amount as me. Whatever he learned, I learned after. No secrets back then. Fuck.

"Hi, Fletch. How are you doing, hon?"

"Uh, good thanks, Emma. I..." I trail off as one of the technicians leers close, a lighting rig like a javelin cradled in their arms. I almost have to duck. They mouth an apology. I face the other way, leaning on my right shoulder, rubbing at the back of my neck. "Shit, I'm sorry. This is really hard to... did Clay call you two days ago?"

"Yes."

Shit.

"Fletch?"

"I..." No, I'm not saying it was bloody nothing. "It's freaking me the fuck out and I feel like I'm being left out and—"

"Oh, hon, please... breathe. Slow down. Take a breath." I do. It comes out as a shudder. "Don't be afraid. Just ask. You know you can ask me about anything. Lay it on me."

"Um, it's about... it's Clay. I'm just worried about the... you know. Like... it's been years and nothing but... it's just he mentioned my meds and..."

There's a stiff silence. I cringe. I mouth 'fuck' at least fifty times in the space of ten seconds.

"I'm..." I hear her swallow. "I'm glad you thought to call me. Is there... Any triggers, any indication... Has he confided in you... any painful urges...?"

"I thought not but... I just... wait, so he didn't mention any of this to you on the phone?"

"What? No? Clay was just checking up on me. Nothing out of the ordinary." I hear the tenor in her voice shift. "Where is Clay now? Is he doing alright?"

"Yeah," I lie. "He's fine." I mean, he's not using. I'd know. Even with this distance between us, I'd know. "He called someone, and I thought it might have been you. I just... don't know who he'd be talking to about his rehab."

"Try Chelsea."

"Chelsea? Why would he tell Chelsea and not m..." Shit. Do I even need to ask that? He's feeling like this because of how I've been treating him. Maybe I need to swallow my pride and just get back on even grounds with him. I'm still gonna bloody smart over this wound, but at least I'll be close enough to keep an eye on him. But... fuck! Chelsea and not me or his mum!

"Oh, Fletch, honey. Honey, please, don't take this too hard. Please talk to each other. Honesty will hurt but it needs to be there. I'll give him a call later. I won't directly mention the d-r-u-g-s—"

"You don't need to spell it out." I smile. "No one can hear you."

"We'll get to the bottom of this. Now keep each other company. Don't forget you have each other and that you take on each other's burdens. Together. You never have to bear those alone."

"Yeah..."

I hang up and a cloud of glumness hangs over me. Jesus. It seems like the answer is so goddamn simple, but it never is with me. I can't talk to Clay without losing my fucking mind right now.