Colder than ice

'Take it easy on my heart'

          

Sunday 22nd August 2038

          

The baby kept her awake. Being thirty-four weeks pregnant had been taking its toll on her. She was tired, hot and hormonal. Joe got the brunt of her frustrations, always moaning about something. She did feel bad, this was the fourth time that he had to suffer this. She felt bad, but there wasn't much she could do about it.

It was a lot harder this time. She had thought it was hard when she was pregnant, chasing around two toddlers whilst she was pregnant. However, she thought this was harder. She wasn't sure if it was because she was still grieving, and everything hurt anyway. Or maybe it was because she was considerably older now than when Maddie was born. It was a mystery how people do it, having multiple kids when they were older. She had two kids, who she didn't have to worry about as much. They were older, they didn't need to be watched every moment. She highly doubted she would have another pregnancy after this.

She felt guilty, it wouldn't grow up with its brother or sister. They would, most likely, have flown the nest before it started school. She loved the way they interacted with one another, they may have been a nightmare at times, but they adored one another. This baby, it wouldn't have that sort of relationship. Maybe after the baby is born, maybe she would reconsider having another one. It's not liked this was planned, the timing couldn't have been worse. If they had planned another child, it would have been a year or so after Maddie was born. Not now, not a year after its big sister had died. Anyway, there was no guarantee that they would even be able to fall pregnant.

Joe wakes up, in the middle of the night, to an empty bed. This isn't unusual. It's not that Dianne kicks him out of bed now, it's that he knows she struggles to fall asleep, and when she does it's not for long. He would tell the baby to stop moving, and let her sleep, like he did when she was pregnant with Ruby, Theo and Matilda. He didn't want to say it, for fear it might actually happen. If it was moving, they knew that it was alive. It won't be much longer that Dianne is able to keep it safe, within the next two months it will be here. It will be welcomed into this harsh world, one that they can only shelter it from for so long.

He pads along gently, reaching the light he saw illuminating the hallway. He finds his wife sitting at their breakfast bar, looking guilty with a Nutella spoon in her mouth. He walks to join her, with a plan in his mind. He's going to antagonise her, by talking the spoon. As he does, she hits him playfully. It's almost like old times, almost but not quite. He kisses her head, taking the seat. This was the new normal they have been striving to get to, a way of coping after Ruby. They stopped the couples counselling after eight weeks, they took the mutual decision to stop. They didn't need it anymore. They were on the same team now, they had the same goal.

He looks at what his wife is doing, looking at the papers laid out in front of him. Except they aren't papers, she smiles up at his as he traces his finger gently over the photos. They had their phone camera's, but they wanted the hard copies too, just in case something happened to it. Joe smiles as he looks at the picture she's holding. One he had forgotten about.

The photo is of them on holiday. He remembers it well, because they had surprised the kids. They had gone to Australia for Christmas, but they had taken the kids out of school, under the guise of the dentists, and jetted off to Australia. In the picture, they are on Bondi beach. He can remember the sun beating down on the pair of them. The kids surrounding them, hugging on to one another. He can see that Ruby and Maddie are laughing about something that neither of them can remember now.

'Oh, look at how little Theo was there.' Dianne exclaims, throwing a picture in his face. The picture is of Joe and Theo. In the photo, Theo is barely old enough to go to school. His uniform eats him up, and he is smiling to the camera. The best part of the picture is Joe. Joe and Theo are wearing matching caps, both grinning up at the camera. The mischievous smile mirroring one another. 'He looks so much like you.'

'Oh my god he does.' They sit there a little while longer, Joe thumbing through the pictures. Seeing the children, it makes him wonder if their baby was going to be a boy or girl. As long as they were healthy, it didn't matter to him. He would be lying if he said he wasn't worried about having another girl. If it was a girl, maybe it would feel like he's replacing Ruby. Would that be at the back of his mind?

As if Dianne could read his mind, she looks up at him. 'Do you think it will be a girl or boy?' Its barely audible. 'I don't know what I want.' He stands up, wrapping his arms around her, rubbing his hands over her belly, the baby kicks him, and he smiles.

'Whatever it is, we will love it.' He promises, dodging the question.

'But what if it's a girl?'

'Then we will have another beautiful daughter. She will be her own person, she won't be Ruby.' He says, he tries to say it with more strength than he is feeling. Only time will tell. If it is a girl, he's going to try the hardest to make sure that, if it is a girl, she won't be living in her older sister's shadow.

'But what if I can't?' She asks quietly, her hand interlocking and continuing the slow circles on her stomach.

'I promise you Dot.' He gently kisses the top of her head. 'Whatever it is, we will love it. No one will ever be Ruby, that's like saying you don't love Maddie or Theo. They are all very different, unique children. The baby will be their own person.' She smiles at him, it's just what she needed to hear.

'I love you so fucking much, Joseph Graham Sugg.'

A/N Thoughts? We are nearly at the end now :)