Philophobia (prucan because I'm a sucker)

Actual intro

I'm Matthew Williams, I'm 23 years old and I suffer from severe Philophobia, meaning that I can't fall in love. I won't let myself fall in love.

I had always found it difficult to trust people because of my parents neglecting the fact that I even exist and favouring my brother, but the real problem happened when I was 17.

I was 14 when I got my first boyfriend. He was sweet and kind at first but he grew cruel to me, sometimes ignoring me, most of the time yelling at me. Eventually he started to hit me as well. Despite all of this I was still convinced that I loved him, that he still loved me. That is until I caught him with another guy. He didn't even attempt to explain.

He left me broken at the age of 17 and I was never able to love again.

Now, the very thought of falling in love brings me close to a panic attack, it's hard to breathe, I feel like fainting, and my heart speeds up by a million.

My only friend is my brother, Alfred. He's the only person I know won't leave me. Anyone else I push away before they can even get to a friendship.

I don't like being so alone but I'm too scared to not be alone. I know that my philophobia causes problems in my life but I'm horrified to do anything about it. Besides, if I'm afraid to fall in love then I don't have the risk of being rejected.

My philophobia fuels my life now, I avoid any interaction with anyone other than my brother, and when I have to talk to someone I never let my guard down and end the conversation as quickly as possible.

This way of living has caused me depression almost worse than my phobia itself, but it keeps me safe. Nobody can get to me when my walls are up like this. Nobody can hurt me.

*Alright so that was the first chapter of this story! It was pretty short but I'm hoping the others will be longer.
Updates will probably be slow as shit but I'll try to update at least three times per month. Unless I'm feeling impatient and updated like three times in one day then neglect this for another two months.
Bye children!