Philophobia (prucan because I'm a sucker)

meet Al

*T/W mentions of cutting, depression and thoughts on suicide*

I rinse the blood from my wrists, not even wincing as the cold water hits them. The razor blade sits by the basin of the sink, I've already cleaned it off.

I know I shouldn't cut but I want to feel something. Most of the time I feel nothing. I've been doing this for so long now that it's started to feel like nothing too.

Is it wrong to want something so bad that you're genuinely scared to have it? That's how I feel. I want something more than blankness, I want a mutual trust with someone but I'm horrified of giving myself to anyone, and leaving myself completely in their hands.

I turn off the tap and head to the cabinet, pulling out the last of the bandages. I'll need to pick up more today.

I sigh, wrapping the last bandage around my wrist. I grab my keys and wallet and head out the door, locking it behind me.

I hate going out in public, there are so many people who try to talk to you and make friends with you. Friends always hurt you.

My brother, Alfred tries to pull me out of my shell by dragging me to parties but it never works.

I grab a few packages of bandages and go to the  front desk, paying for them with as little conversation as possible.

After I pay, I quickly rush out of the store and run full speed home, almost bumping into a few people on the way. I finally reach home, slamming the door behind me. I give a sigh of relief as I run a hand through my blonde hair, careful to avoid my curl.

I drop the bandages on the table and pull out a chair. I sit down and rest my face in my hands.

My phone starts to ring in my pocket, it's probably Alfred. I sigh and press the 'accept' button.

"What do you want Alfred?" I ask, not really in the mood to deal with my obnoxious twin.

"Dude! I'm taking you out tonight." Of course.

"Al, I'm really not in the mood for this. I already told you that I hate bars. People always try to talk to me and flirt with me. And get in my pants."

"Oh come on, dude, you need to loosen up a bit!"

"Alfred-"

"Too bad, I'm picking you up in 20." And he hung up.

Whelp. Guess I'm going out tonight.