Philophobia (prucan because I'm a sucker)

ANGST

*I have a secured spot at the school I want to go to 😆 I also realised that I have not held true to my promise of rusame and I am trying very hard to come up with a way to do that. T/W angst, self deprecation, cutting, thoughts on suicide. Prussia PoV*

After a few hours of just holding him, I realised it was starting to get dark.

"Hey, birdie?" he looked up at me with those big violet eyes, making me want to stay with him forever. I had to resist though, he needed to rest.

"I should get going, it's getting late."

I could swear I saw sadness flick over his face for a moment, but I shook it off.

"Right, yeah. You-you should get home" he wrapped his arms around himself and looked down at the floor

It broke my heart seeing him like that, but I had to go. I stared at him for a moment longer before giving him a quick peck on the cheek and slipping out the window.

"I love you, birdie."

And I left before he could say anything else.

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*small time skip, still Prussia*

I flopped back on my bed, still thinking about Matthew.

God he was perfect

He couldn't love me though. I knew that. I knew it was selfish of me to keep trying on him but I had to. He was the only person I'd ever felt this way for. Sure I've had silly crushes before but never anything like how I felt for Matt.

He had everything, he was gorgeous, he was sweet, he was adorable, he was considerate, he was funny, he was smart, he was just... Perfect in every possible way, without even trying.

Honestly, I understand why he wouldn't love me. I was loud and obnoxious, I wasn't exactly the most handsome guy around, I was stupid, I wasn't good at anything, compared to him, I was nothing.

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*Canada pov*

Why was I so sad when he left?

It could be because you love him dumbass.

I shook the thought out of my head. There's no way I could love him. I can't. I haven't loved someone since him and he broke my heart.

There's no way I could love again.

But you do love him.

I felt tears start to prick my eyes. I can't love him, it's impossible.

But wouldn't you want it to be him? If anyone?

Yes.

If I ever love again, I would want it to be him. He noticed me, he helped me, brought me out of my shell. I definitely wouldn't mind loving him.

No.

I have to stop thinking like this. Caleb was good to me too, and then he ruined my life. Just because Gilbert was nice to me doesn't mean he loves me.