just another statistic

competition and contemplation

march 7

it's been almost two months since the formal, almost two months since i lost my virginity, and honestly, cameron and i are doing better than ever. our relationship has really grown since sharing that intimate moment with each other, we're lucky in that respect.

i'm on a competitive cheer squad, the dolphins, and our competition is this weekend, this is the most important one i've had yet though, because they will be picking captains. i'm so nervous about it. like really nervous. juliana is also on the squad, but she isn't shooting for captain, it's "not her thing".

"you okay?" cameron swings his arm around me as we walk out of the school at precisely three o'clock. he can tell i'm nervous. i also probably look a little pale because i've been feeling a little sick lately, it's probably just my anxiety about getting captain and everything with school. a concerning thought enters my mind but i push it out completely.

"yeah. just a little nervous about competition." i take off my jacket because it's march on the florida coast, it's already pretty warm.

"don't be, babe! you got this, in my completely unbiased opinion, you're the best on the squad." he says matter-of-factly as we step into his car. i rode with him to school today.

"unbiased, huh?" i giggle.

"completely." he promises while pulling out of the school parking lot.

cam and i hung out at my house for about an hour, just watching netflix and doing homework. now it's about 5:20 and i'm talking on the phone with juliana.

"okay, but i've got to see if my period will start while we're at comp. i really hope not." i say while checking my app.

"shit, me too. ours are synced, right?" she asks through the phone. the app says i was supposed to have a period 4 weeks ago, i've been so busy i didn't realize. it's probably nothing, i hope it's nothing. but my periods have always been irregular.

"i don't know, mine has always been irregular, so i never really know when i'll get it. but i think it's supposed to start in like 3 days." i tell her.

"dammit!" she curses into the phone, "mine is supposed to start tomorrow! we're leaving tomorrow, it's the first day of competition.". she groans and i giggle a little.

"luckily, i'll miss it by like two days! and it'll be okay, you're so over dramatic." i tease her and she tells me to shut up.

the next day, march 8.

i wake up to my alarm at five, it's way too early. i already have butterflies, i'm so so nervous. i skip down the stairs, walk into the kitchen, and grab a banana and some yogurt. i set my breakfast down on the marble countertop and text juliana, making sure she's awake. when i'm done with breakfast, i run upstairs, brush my teeth, do my hair and makeup, get dressed, and pack my bags. by the time i'm done, it's six thirty and time to go. i tell my family goodbye and start my car.

"it's too early!" juliana complains as she steps into my car.

"i know, but look! i made an amazing playlist, specifically for this car ride." i hand her my phone. she plugs it into the aux cord and we both start singing our hearts out.

when we get to the competition building, i am overwhelmed by the amount of squads. our squad HAS to win.

"do you think i'll have a shot at captain?" i ask juliana nervously. i'm already feeling nauseous.

"yes, you're a shoe in! don't worry!" she reassured me. suddenly, i am overcome with nausea and run to the bathroom, where i puke my entire breakfast into the toilet.