just another statistic

the rest of my life

march 10

i wake up at five am, nauseous and ready to take the test. i walk into my bathroom and take both of the tests, setting them on the counter to wait for three minutes. my heart is racing while i sit on my bed, waiting for the little stick that will show me the rest of my life.

the three minutes feel like three hours, but finally the alarm rings, i quickly turn it off and jump up. i run to the bathroom and pick up the first test. "please be negative, please be negative." i silently pray.

positive, 8-9 weeks pregnant.

i let out a quiet sob, as i take it in, i'm going to have a baby. i pick up the other one, only to see it has the same exact result. what am i going to do? i'm having a real live baby, while i'm still practically a baby myself. i put the test back into the tampon box, to hide it. mom and dad are going to be so disappointed, they never wanted this for me. i never wanted this for me.

i told my family that i'm sick with the stomach flu. which i kinda am sick but not because of a virus, because of a baby. they went to church without me, i would feel too guilty going in there right now anyway. so right now i'm sitting at my desk, looking up pregnancy stuff and contemplating who to tell first. my first thought is cam, but i'm scared to see his reaction. we love each other of course, so i don't think he'd leave me, but the fear is still there. right on cue, cameron texts me.

c- hey holland! are u at church?
m- no, why?
c- can i come over and see you? i miss u :(
m- yeah sure, miss you too. love u
c- love ya too.

i quickly dry my tears and practice my best "everything's normal" face. i don't know if i should tell him today or not. is it better to rip off the bandaid, face whatever there is to come right away? i mean, it is his baby too. but i'm just so scared. my thoughts are cut short by a knock on the door. i run downstairs to answer it.

"hey baby! where are your parents and brothers?" cameron kisses me as he walks through the door.

"they're at church. i told them i was sick. i'm not." i say in a low voice, looking at the floor.

"why did you tell them that?" he notices a tear, "what's wrong babe? are you okay?". cam pulls me into a hug.

"cam, we're in trouble. follow me." i say as he looks at me very confused, but he follows me anyway. i walk upstairs into my room, my heart is beating so fast and loud, i feel like he can hear it.

"holland, what are you talking about? what do you want to show me?" he begs, concerned.

i wipe some stray tears away from my face and run into my bathroom, grabbing the test and hiding them behind my back. "oh no." he says, probably guessing correctly at what i'm holding.

"i'm pregnant, cam. with your baby, obviously." i hand him the tests. he looks at me with fear evident in his face, silent for a few seconds.

"how could this happen? we used protection." he paces the room.

"well, now we know that they break sometimes." i say sitting on my bed. he sits down with me and i burst into tears. he pulls me closer to him and holds me as i cry. "please don't leave me." i sob.

"baby, i won't. i would never. everything's going to be fine." he calms me. i'm so lucky to have a boyfriend like him. he holds me for thirty minutes until he asks me a question. "what do you want to do?".

i think for just a little bit. i know that i don't want to have an abortion, but adoption might work for us. we're 16 years old, can we really provide for a baby? but i don't think i could ever really go through with it, especially after seeing my baby. "i think i want to keep it. i know it will be hard, but i couldn't go through with anything else." i say, pretty confident in my choice.