are mermaids only a myth?

how to exstinguish a flame.

do you know how hard it is to realize you aren't what your parents want?

what they need?

i felt this pain at age 7 when they grimaced at my clay pot

then gave out hugs to my brother when he brought home that damned wooden airplane.

i've felt that pain everyday ever since.

living in the shadow of an older sibling is destroying me.

every time they choose him over me,

it cracks my porcelain walls even further.

every night they sit out and watch movies with him,

while i sit in my room alone,

it chips my paint a little more.

i can never forget every single time my mother chose to spend money on gas for his road trip

instead of lunch for me during school.

i can never lose the images of my father

rushing around the house to make sure he was half an hour early

to every single one of his games.

or the images of his car pulling up an hour late picking me up after school,

drowning me in "i'm sorry"s and "your brother's meeting"s and "you understand"s.

no i don't understand.

that little girl with ocean eyes and a bulging heart

still doesn't understand why mommy and daddy had to move her bed to the basement

and all of her big brother's trophies to her room.

that 10 year old girl with dulling eyes and a shrinking heart

doesn't understand why mom and dad

never tell her goodnight or tuck her in anymore

but still have time to make brother breakfast.

this 16 year old girl

standing in front of you

with broken wings and too many scars to count,

doesn't understand why her mother and father

left her to rot inside her room

with only music to keep her company.

i'm sure i'll understand one day, though.

it could be tomorrow or next week or next month or next year. i don't know.

but until then

i'll sit in my room

slashing strings of red across my wrists,

smoking away the hurt,

and drinking down the emptiness that consumes me.

until then

i'll see how far i can crack

just before i break.

-j.s.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

i wrote this 5 minutes ago.

school is already so stressing. this isn't a good sign.

should i write a fanfic?

please comment and keep reading.

stay strong you beautiful people and i love you. x