are mermaids only a myth?

when i dream of dying i like to think people would cry.

THIS CHAPTER IS VERY TRIGGERING. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

the front door slams shut and again i'm left alone.

this is the fourth day i've been left home sick. dad can't figure out why.

i know why. i haven't had a proper meal since last month, and even then i threw it up afterwards.

christmas is such a cold time. not only the weather but my heart, too.

last week i tried making macaroni & cheese and i 'accidentally' burned myself. dropped the pot and got water all over my forearms.

i cried. but i was happy. i could actually feel the stinging of my skin bubbling.

i reach over to my heart-shaped box. inside rattles the razors that got me here in the first place.

i drag them over my healing wounds five times on each arm. blood immediately surfaces. all i can feel is a dull, prickly feeling.

i'm angry.

i can't even fucking feel anymore. why should i live if everything is numb anyway?

i grab the bottle of ibuprofen and dump it out before me. i take way too many.

i start to call my friends and family, only getting voicemail. i leave messages of my apologies, apologies for everything.

only one person left. aviva.

it's too hot in here. i need fresh air.

i put my sweatshirt on and go outside. i start walking to the park.

it's -12 degrees. still too hot.

i make it to the park and call aviva. she's the only one that answers.

"josephine? why are you not in school? it's been 4 days."

"i'm sorry. i didn't think you would answer."

"i'm in the bathroom. something is obviously going on if you're calling me during school hours."

"i-i'm so sorry."

"for what?"

"i'm such a horrible person and i'm sorry."

"no you're not. what's going on?"

"i took too many. too many pills. i can't feel anything."

"what?" she sounded shocked.

of course she did. she never knew i was sad.

"i wish i could've been better for you. i wish i could've been what you needed."

"josephine, what's going on?"

"you deserve the world, but i could never give it to you."

she was silent.

"i don't know if i'm in love with you or if i just want the best for you, but all i'm for sure on is that you deserve more than what you have right now."

"where are you?"

"i don't know. somewhere blue. i think a park. it's warm and fuzzy here, aviva. i wish you were here. i don't even need my jumper anymore."

i take off my jumper and lay on it, in the snow.

"keep your sweater on. it's freezing outside. how many pills did you take?"

"i can't feel the cold. i'm invincible. 32. i took 32 pills. just like my soccer number. you know, i was never good at soccer."

"and why is that?"

"i suck at everything. i'm never good enough. every sport i play, every thing i do. i'm horrible."

"no you aren't. you're very smart and very athletic."

"but i'm not as skinny as the other girls. fuck, why am i talking about myself? i'm supposed to be talking about you. ever since we started being friends i've wanted to know every thing about you."

"why?"

"you intrigued me. i wanted to know. i think i wanted to so i could be there for you. you were this beautiful mystery and i wanted to unravel all of your secrets."

silence. i continued.

"but i didn't press because i didn't want to reopen your wounds. i didn't want you to bleed, aviva, i didn't want you to hurt again."

to be continued