Know You All Over Again

“I am so sorry. I have no idea how this happened. Sorry.” I can feel the heat creeping into my cheeks while I desperately try to find at least some form of cash in any of my pockets. I am not even able to pay for my own coffee. How embarrassing is that?

“Oh, don't worry. I know you. You are one of our regulars. Just pay me tomorrow. It's not a big deal.” The lady behind the counter is smiling at me and I am giving her a wai while promising that I will be back first thing tomorrow morning with the money for my coffee.

I don't know why this is happening so often at the moment. If my head was not screwed on I am sure I would forget it as well. But let's face it. Today was a disaster from start to finish. Right from the moment I woke up everything was a mess. I couldn't find any underwear to wear as everything I own is apparently in the laundry basket. Going commando under your jeans might sound sexy, but it isn't when you are working a physical job and you have to move the whole day.

Then I couldn't find any breakfast in the fridge as I again forgot to go shopping yesterday. And from there on everything else just followed. Got late into work, had to go to my manager and apologise AGAIN and somehow the annoying intern managed to get my phone number and now I am getting hourly updates about her life, that I am really not interested in.

I am opening the door to our apartm... stop! My apartment and I can't hear any noises at all. There is just silence and not for the first time today I have to take a deep breath. It's not like I am tearing up or anything. It's just... Well, things are different these days.

Korn moved out. He offered himself. After everything he did he thought it was just fair that I could stay and he would go. I agreed with him at the time as I really didn't want to move. But these days I am not so sure anymore. 

It's funny. Even though all his things are gone, it's like I can almost see his shadows. There is no second toothbrush in the bathroom anymore, but I can still feel his presents. Our bedsheets don't smell like him anymore, his after shave, his shampoo, him... But I can almost feel his presence when I am lying in bed late at night trying desperately to fall asleep. I just can't...

I am okay. I really am. The break up was hard. I won't lie. But I just couldn't continue like this. Him cheating on me after all the years of being the overly jealous one, always accusing me of having an affair and not being faithful. I just couldn't take it anymore. The trust was gone between us and I am not sure if there is a way how this trust could ever be repaired. So separating was the only logical solution.

It's been two months now. Two months of healing and trying to get on. And I am okay, like I said. I am not crying myself to sleep anymore. I am going out, meeting friends and trying having a good time. I see Korn very rarely. Sometimes when I am meeting up with Cho or Fai he might be hanging out with Yiwah. But there is nothing I can do about it. Yes, I “gave up” Yiwah, if you can call it that, but I am not ending my friendships with all of our joined friends. He was in the wrong, not me. So I am not going anywhere.

I fall unto the couch and switch on the telly. It's not like I am really watching anything. But the silence in the flat is deafening. I just can't stand it. I have lived with Korn for almost three years. I am not used to all this silence. Normally he would be pottering in the kitchen right now, making us dinner while I would be lounging on the couch, ogling my good looking boyfriend and looking forward to the desert. But now...
I am unpacking the sandwich I got at the supermarket and take a big bite. It's just not satisfying eating alone. So why bother at all? Food is more a way of surviving at the moment, not really a joyous experience that I share with...

It's strange. Somehow him being absent is making him more present in my life. It's like everywhere I look I see something that should be there, something that reminds me of him... Him, him, it's always him...