Know You All Over Again

Chapter 4

I am sitting in the guest room at my sister's and still can't believe what just happened.

I mean how did things go from me having dinner with Yiwah to me having sex with Knock in like six hours? It's absolutely crazy and I am sure I got a whiplash from the 180 turn my evening took.

Do I regret it?

That's a tough question to answer, to be honest.

In a way I don't regret it. It was just amazing to feel him again. I missed him so much and I still can feel his lips on my skin right now. I didn't think that I would ever get the chance to be this close to him again so I maybe should just take it as a blessing and move on.

But I know that I can't. I won't be able to move on. I still love him so much and just imagining a life without him in it is breaking my heart all over again.

I am laying down in the bed and look at my mobile. It's four in the morning. At three Knock kicked me out of the flat. It's just been an hour and my thoughts just can't shut up.

He blamed me for using a condom. I can almost see why he felt the way he did, but in the end we are not a couple anymore. I just didn't want to assume anything and wanted to be on the safe side, literally. But it looks it came to bite me in the backside.

Yes, I might have been a bit concerned about him being with other people in the meantime, but that's not the reason why I used it. I used it out of respect for him. But it doesn't look like he got my reasoning whatsoever.

When he said to me that this was just sex, I could practically hear all my hopes of a relationship shatter on the floor. I don't know why he said it. It was not just sex. There was a connection. Such a strong connection. It has been like it always been between us.

Somehow the whole world just ceases to exist when we are like that. It's just us. Just our bodies and something so primal it takes your breath away. I never had that with anyone else in my life and I doubt that I will ever have it again.

But that's not even the main reason why I can't sleep right now.

I am just so scared right now. I am so scared that this one, yes, admitingly amazing, encounter has destroyed any chance of a friendship that might have been there otherwise.

I know that he is angry right now and I am sure that in his head there are already the most idiotic theories coming together on why I used protection and god knows what else. I know him so well and I know that he likes to overthink things.

Funny, I know. Everyone would think that he is so goofy and happy go lucky. But when it comes to his emotions he is not very expressive at all. So all he does is being broody and starts to overthink everything.

I rub my hands over my eyes and I know that sleep won't come to me tonight. I get up and put on some clothes before I leave the flat again. I have no idea where I am going or what for. But I just need to get some air to straighten out my own thoughts.

At the moment everything is just a huge mess. There is pain, heartache, longing and to much angst. I am so scared that he won't talk to me anymore after tonight and I really, really can't take the thought of that.

The evening started so promising with Yiwah, Cho and us two just hanging out like we did in the good old days. It felt so good to hear his laugh and have his presence near me. I can't loose that. I rather watch on while he is sleeping with half of Bangkok then not having him in my life at all.

I suddenly stop in my tracks when I notice where I actually am. Looks like my feet had a mind of their own as I am right in front of our old apartment complex. I get my mobile out of my back pocket to check the time. It's half past five in the morning.