Know You All Over Again

Chapter 10

We haven't spoken a word since we have left the hospital. Knock is just staring out of the cab window, being all quiet.

I am just left hanging after my own thoughts.

Thoughts, that I really don't want to have. Thoughts, I really, really don't want to keep in my head.

Knock underneath another man.

Knock moaning for another man.

Knock being fucked...

I can feel my heart again miss a beat and I press my jaws together so hard I am afraid I might break my teeth. I take a deep breath and try to think about something else.

But again...

Knock...

Knock, on the phone, crying.

Knock, on the hotel couch, shivering.

Knock, in the hospital, looking so lost and scared...

It doesn't matter what it is. It is always him. My love for me is swelling in my chest so hard I have trouble breathing.

I look over to my object of desire, but all I can see is a lost and lone look on his face. His fingers are drawing lazy patterns on the window glass and he looks all over like the little boy I met all these years ago. I would give my right arm just to know what he is thinking about right now.

I see how his lips are moving, because he is unconsciously biting his lips from the inside. He looks so lost and vulnerable right now and it brings my head back into reality.

Knock needs me right now. He needs his friend Korn, not his lover!

The best thing I can do right now is just burring all these feelings that are running through my veins and concentrate on what is really important: Getting Knock through this ordeal somehow.

Not all my stupid feelings and emotions. He is important right now, not me!

With another deep breath I am trying to swallow my jealousy and anger in one clean gulp. But like bubbles I can feel some feelings still floating inside of me. I sigh defeated.

When we finally arrive at Knock's flat, I just pay the cab driver and get out with Knock. We are making our way upstairs, again in silence.

I still don't know what I should say to this walking bundle of sorrow right in front of me. I am having a hard enough time as it is burying all these contradicting emotions inside of me. Making small talk in light of the given situation is currently totally outside my abilities.

Knock finally opens the flat door and walks inside. I simply follow, turn on the light and close the door behind me. It's something I have done a thousand times and it's almost ingrained into my brain. Something I can't just switch off.

Knock suddenly stops dead in his tracks. He almost flinches, all I can see are all his back muscles just contracting in one go. He tenses up all through out his body and turns abruptly around.

“What are you doing here?” He looks at me like he just noticed me being next to him at all.

Somehow I feel exposed. I am not just sure why.

“What do you mean?” I am asking him like an imbecile with a growing worry inside my heart.

“Why are you here?”  I knot my brows at him.

“I am here because you asked me to.” Now his face turns into the strangest kind of mockery.

“I did what? Are you crazy? I asked you to go with me to the hospital and nothing more. You can go now.” His voice sounds so alien to me.