Know You All Over Again

Chapter 17

I don't think, that I even can put in words how miserable I feel right now. It's pain wrapped in sadness mixed in with some nice self pity. I just hate the way I feel. I just hate it.

I take another sip out of my bottle and I can feel the alcohol slowly doing things to my body I wanted it to start doing hours ago. The warmth finally reaches my stomach. But still not my heart.

Silently I am sitting at the bar watching young men dancing together, being happy. I would like to hit each and every one of them. Why are they happy when I am not? I am pouting into the nothingness around me and yes, I know I must look totally silly right now, I just can't help myself.

Just closing my eyes makes me see him again. Him having this man hanging on his arm. Him having this man hanging off his lips, having him hanging off his neck. And even though the last two pictures are just products of my imagination, it doesn't make me fell any better. I just feel worse and worse with every passing hour.

Why do I still love him so much? Why can't I just forget him and move on? I could find someone else, fall in love and finally be happy.

I laugh bitterly to myself. Be happy? I know that I will never be happy without Korn in my life. It's just all such a fucked up mess. I can't deal with all this heartbreak anymore and if you don't have trust, what else do you have?

Not enough for a proper relationship, let me tell you that much. It's just not bloody enough. So I need to forget him, I need to get him out of my system.

I take another swig out of my bottle and when I notice the incredible lack of fluid in my bottle, I turn around and order another one. And while I am at it, I also order another Tequila. I am looking in front of me and the five half bitten lemon pieces are telling me that we are at the sixth beer and Tequila combo. Tomorrow won't be pretty, I already know that.

But right now I couldn't care less.

Today was just too much for me. Everything with Fai at the diner. And afterwards seeing Korn with this other man. It just all drained me emotionally so much, I feel like fainting. I know I am melodramatic right now.

But the last couple of weeks had been the best weeks I had in a very long time. And getting the ugly truth thrown in front of your feet is never a pretty sight. I knew that I was just walking back into a full blown relationship. I am not stupid.

But hearing it said out loud and seeing Fai's reaction to it made me just realise how incredibly stupid I am. He is not going to change. He never has. He always was the one hot on my heels about other people around me. Me being too friendly, me being too flirty. There was always something wrong with me.

How can I be so stupid to walk back into all that? How?

Because my heart wants him. It's that simple. But once in a while even a Peter Pan like me should grow up and make a decision that it good for himself and not just for his libido.

I sigh heavily and put my head into my arm. I close the eyes for a second when I feel a slight tap on my shoulder.

I get up and my eyes are met by a good looking stranger. His black hair frames his pale face perfectly. His eyes, two black obsidians, are looking at me with a certain twinkle and I somehow can feel a rush going through my veins. He looks so familiar but I just can't put my finger on it.

He gives me a blending smile while taking a seat next to me at the bar.

“Hi, stranger. You look like you need another drink.” His voice is dark and velvety. Just like chocolate. His pointy nose gives his profile an interesting edge.