Know You All Over Again

Chapter 14

“But why did you THEN cheat on me? Why was I never good enough for you?”

His question is hanging in the air like a dark cloud. I don't know what to answer, I don't even know if I should answer at all. Knock is not well and is this really the right moment for such a conversation?

“Please? Tell me...” He pleads with me and the way he looks at me with his big, brown puppy dog eyes is just making my heart ache so badly. These two questions in itself have the potential to break mine and his heart all over again. And I so don't want to put that on top of all the crappyness that is just happening to Knock. I just can't.

I look at him silently and I hope he understands me without even uttering a word.

“I might never have enough courage again to ask you.” He whispers. “So please. Just give me an answer... Just help me to understand, what I did wrong.” There are tears shimmering in his eyes and I can feel a huge lump in my throat. When the first tear escapes my eyes, I just wipe them away with the back of my hand. I honestly don't know what to say...

“Please...” He asks again and it feels like a spear through my heart.

“You didn't do anything wrong, my love.” I say with a low voice while trying to get rid of all these pesky tears that are running down my cheeks.

“Then why did you do it? I need to know. I just need to.” He pleads again with me and I don't know how much more of this I can take.

“If you want me to ever forgive you, you need to tell me.” Knock's voice is sounding so strange, almost far away while my thoughts are just going further and further down a very dark path. A path I rather not go down...

“Please...” He is almost begging now and I just can't stand it anymore. My heart hurts, my thoughts are going 100 miles a minutes and I just... I just...

“Because deep down I think I wanted to fuck up.” I finally admit and I can see the shock on Knock's face.

“You wanted to cheat?” His eyes are comical wide. But somehow I can't laugh.

“No. I didn't want to cheat. I just.. I think on a subconscious level I tried to sabotage our relationship.” I say with a tired voice.

“So why didn't you just break up with me? Why hurt me like that?” Knock is getting more agitated and I can't blame him. It sounds so awful what I did and I still have trouble getting my head around why I did it to begin with. But he wanted the answers. So all I can do it telling him the truth.

“I didn't want to break up with you either. I love you.” My answer sounds weak even in my ears and the confusion on Knock's face is almost breathtaking.

“You didn't want to break up with me but you wanted to sabotage our relationship? I am really sorry, I might be a bit stupid, but how does this go together? I honestly don't get it.” To my surprise it seems like the confusion has won over his anger. I risk a short glance over to his face and yes, all I can see is puzzlement.

“I never would break up with you. I never could leave you, Knock. I love you way too much for any of that. But...” I break up. I really can't say it out loud. I just can't.

“But what?” Two soft hands are taking my hands into his and are drawing gently patterns on my skin. I look up and all I can see in his face is worry and confusion. And deep down, very well hidden, almost not there, I also see love. I sigh and close my eyes.

“But in a way I wished I didn't love you. In a way I wished I would be alone for the rest of my life. Because then I never would have to tell my parents that I am gay. I could just hide it forever, not hurting anyone...” The tears are again coming hard and fast, but this time it's someone else's hand wiping them away for me.