Know You All Over Again

Chapter 21

I am not sure if I ever felt this way. It's like having an outer body experience. It's like I am floating above everything and the only thing keeping me anchored to the ground is his hand. He slightly cold and sweaty hand. 

He is nervous. Maybe even more then me. I am not sure but I can read his face like a book. I can see the sheer terror in his face and once more I am ashamed of what I did. 

I know I shouldn't feel this way and Korn has said more then once that the only person to blame in all this, is Mick. But somehow it doesn't make much difference to me. I was stupid to get drunk, I was stupid to go with him to the hotel and I was stupid when I agree to sleep with him. 

It doesn't matter if we were separated or not. Because in my heart we never were apart. I never stopped loving him and therefore for me it still feels like I cheated. Again I know that's not the case but in the deepest corner of my heart that's how I feel. I can't deny it and I can't pretend for things to be different. It just is what it is. 

I am still just watching everything that is happening around me like I would watch a movie. I can see Dr. Good doing some reading through his paperwork before turning to his computer doing some clicks here and there. 

I can feel Korn's hand gripping mine even more tightly but I don't hear a single word that is said. I am just staring at the doctor's lips waiting for the final sentence to be given to me. 

In a way I feel I deserve it to be positive. So many other people don't get a second chance either. Why should I be better then them? No one deserves this illness. Not even Mick. 

Like a flash I can see Korn's face again in front of me. The pain in his eyes when I said he should leave me if the test comes back as positive. 

But there was no hesitation whatsoever. 

Not for a single second. 

He want to be with me. He really does and maybe, just maybe I should finally accept that. After everything we have been through together. After everything he has done for me. 

Maybe the issue is not just his. Maybe I need to have a closer look at myself as well. Maybe I need to have a look at my own self esteem. 

He loves me.. 

And that in itself should be enough for me to trust him and to really and honestly start all over again... 

And suddenly I am not that afraid of this result anymore. 

Because I won't have to face it alone. 

Whatever the outcome, Korn will be with me and will walk through hell and back just to make sure I am as well looked after as I could possibly be. He will be there to love me and to take care of me. He will stay with me until the end. Whenever and however that will come across... 

And with this thought a warm rush of affection and calm is flowing all over my body making me feel like I am in one of his warm embraces. 

I look up and I find his eyes. He is still nervous, petrified maybe. But he is not scared about what the test result will mean for him. He is just worried for me, he is petrified something could happen to me. 

And after he has spent almost a whole month of wiping away my vomit and making sure I was okay, I don't think, anyone would have blamed him for being worried about what a possible positive would mean to him. But there is just worry for me and nothing else in his eyes. And just like that a small smile is creeping on my face. 

It doesn't matter... It doesn't matter what this doctor is going to tell me. 

My life will still going to be awesome and amazing and that's just down to this impossible man sitting next to me.