betrayed | newtmas au

indefinitely

it felt like all of the feelings thomas bottled inside were exploding out, all of the thoughts he repressed all those years finally felt somewhat valid. he had a chance. a chance. not necessarily a large one, actually it was simply minuscule, but now he didn't have to worry about newt running away with teresa like everyone had expected. he wanted to cry from the emotions building in his chest. so he did, feeling tears begin to well up in his eyes as his thoughts swarmed his brain. newt, who didn't know whether he should cry harder or just leave at their silence, noticed, as thomas' grip on his arm got harder as if that was all he had to tether him to the earth.

"t-tommy?"

before he could stop himself, thomas was lunging at the blonde, wrapping his arms tightly around his torso and digging his head into the space between his shoulder and neck. despite the tears wetting his t-shirt, newt wrapped his arms around the other so he could have his hands grip onto those strong, broad shoulders he always admired from afar.

they stayed like that, thomas almost in his lap and splayed on top of him with tears running down both of their cheeks in persistent streams, not even keeping track of the time.

neither of them cared that teresa was watching them in admiration.

it took them twenty minutes and a small tug on thomas' waist for them to pull away and compose themselves. teresa still hadn't said anything at all. thomas had still said only sixteen full words. the silence was deafening, and newt felt like crying all over again. he desperately wanted to be held by the brunette for the second time.

"listen newt, you know me. i will never view you differently. i don't know about my idiot of a brother here, but it's us. we're the golden trio, no matter what happens, no matter who decides they want to isolate themselves from it."

thomas could feel them glance at him as a slight blush burned across his face. if only she knew what he had been through. if only he could tell her, explain to both of them that he was tearing himself up inside more than he was hurting them, and why.

instead, thomas turned to newt, both of their eyes still puffy from crying.

"i will always love you newt. indefinitely."

somehow the boys had managed to get teresa to let them have time alone. newt missed the brunette so much, missed his voice and that slight smile that hadn't changed despite how much it's owner had. thomas was so much different than who he was when they were young. there was a darkness in his eyes that would have never matched his personality before. his hair was longer and fluffier, curling into voluminous waves at the ends of each strand. prominent moles occasionally dotted his skin like clusters and constellations. they mesmerized the blonde.

newt however, still had a childish and playful demeanor. his blonde hair had always been just to his ears, and those goddamn eyes were the shade of brown that you could get lost in. they were always wide in anticipation as they always had been.

"i thought you hated me for so long, tommy. i thought i did something and i was never able to fix it because i never knew what was wrong."

thomas simply shook his head, trying to get used to talking to the blonde again.
i should just tell him, he thought, and in his brain he mulled it over and over until it was loud and ringing in his head. no, he couldn't. they were just starting to fix things. newt didn't need that, too.

"i was scared, newt. i was terrified. i convinced myself that distance was what we needed. you needed better."

newt grimaced at his words, the wrinkles on his forehead crinkling as his eyebrows furrowed.

"you don't know what i need," his words were a mere whisper as he looked at his hands resting in his lap. thomas looked up from his own hands to look at the blonde. did he really just say that? how the fuck was he supposed to respond? so instead of trying, he just looked back down.

"no, thomas. you don't get to just be quiet this time. what i needed was you, okay? i bloody needed you, but you left me. did i ever even mean anything to you?"

thomas didn't know if he wanted newt to tell him that or not. yes, that meant he cared, but that also meant that he was the cause of his pain. thomas hurt newt, the boy he distanced himself to protect from himself.

"i wanted to protect you. i just wanted to protect you from me, newt, because you meant the world to me. you still do, okay? there's this war going on in my brain telling me i should just leave-"

"don't leave. please, tommy, please, just don't leave me again."

newt sounded so desperate, like thomas was already walking out the door again. the brunette never realized how torn he really was. he hated himself for doing that.

"i'm not leaving you, newtie. i promise, i will never, ever, leave you again."

tears began to form in both of their eyes again as they looked at each other directly. just to reassure him, thomas firmly grasped one of newt's hands, squeezing it comfortingly. the blonde couldn't take it anymore, and soon the boys were holding each other once again as if teresa wasn't in the other room waiting for them to finally make up.

"it'll be okay. we'll be okay. remember. i love you indefinitely,"

thomas rubbed his back as he began to cry again, his brain replaying the endless memories he had of the other closing him off and ignoring him. yet now, as they sat on the couch in each other's arms, newt decided he loved thomas indefinitely, too.

(writers block is still going strong. my prewritten work will only last so long, so i've decided to update every full week unless i gain motivation and finish before. people seemed to like the first chapter and i wanted to show my gratitude. thank you for the endless support. although it might not seem like much, it means the world to me.) ~gray