Lose you to Love me...

CHAPTER 21 ♡♡

Do you ever feel sad? Not because something happened and it made you sad but because you just woke feeling as if the four walls to your room were closing in on you,as if the roof was closing in on you.your sadness has no originality,yet it's suffocating and it's draining and it feels like you're falling into a bottomless pit.

Until you find yourself getting used to it,and it becomes your source of comfort,the sadness embraces you like a mother does when her child wakes up from a nightmare,you become familiar with it,you feel protected by it,you tell yourself it's peaceful where you are and you don't ever want to leave,you find yourself settling.

For a while the solitude and peacefulness of it all is exciting and acceptable until your sadness just becomes darkness.it consumes your body,mind,heart and soul,it becomes a blanket and your thoughts become dark as well and your mind starts to swim in a pool of darkness, negativity and despair and at this point you're too far down the pit to pull yourself out so you let yourself go.

This is what I'm going through.to put more clearly,the truth is that I'm depressed,if I'm being blunt,I have no idea why all I know is my own head scares me and even though I've been to see Kate for our session and I left her office feeling the same way I was when I arrived.

I read a quote from the idealist once and the qoute went something like this;

"some days, I feel everything at once.other days, I feel nothing at all.i don't know what's worse : drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst"

That just summarises how I'm feeling. I went to class and after class I went to my dorm,I couldn't tidy or even make myself food,I just wanted to lay down and drown in my sadness but I've never been lucky like that because Jayden came and he tidyed up and made me food,he even forced me to eat before he left.

That's the thing about Jay he doesn't question me,he leaves to my own company when he knows I'm not toxic,I mean I'm not suicidal nor am I in the mood for cutting myself.

Whereas Shawn is a worry bug,he is like Mom and dad in one body and it's both sweet and draining because he worries too much and he talks a lot.He came over and told me that spending time in my dorm was unhealthy for me so I should go to his apartment,it was bull but I had no energy to argue,so i let him pack my over night bag and let him drag me to his apartment.he was chatty and I hardly heard any of the things he was saying,my mind was blank and foggy,nothing was really registering.

When we arrived her made me go to his bedroom to nap and I complied,I took one of his tees and wore them,then went to bed.funny enough when my head but his pillow,I fell asleep.

"MOMMY,MOMMY,please tell daddy to take a break,so we can go watch a movie,please Mom"15 year old me said.

"Jane , sweetheart,you know we love you right and we want to spend time with you,but this week is very busy can we go out next week,we can go wherever you want to go"my mother said and I saw the 15 year old me sigh

"Okay MOMMY,I'll be in my room"I said giving her a kiss on the cheek.i turned and looked at my dad,he looked very engrossed in whatever he was doing on his laptop.maybe I'm just being troublesome and overbearing,I can wait till next week.

With that thought I turned around and went to my room.my parents were my best friends and as weird as it may sound to everyone,even at 15 I didn't want anyone but my mommy or daddy and their jobs always took most of their time lately.i wasn't feeling abondoned per say,they made time for me,I was just being impatient.

I took my laptop and started watching YouTube videos of ISIS because knowledge is key,plus these videos are very very,scary.well that's what others say.