Stars to Your Universe- Awsten Knight (Book 2 of On the Road)

Chapter Six

"Awsten, I'm okay. I promise" I groaned, frustrated, down the phone "I didn't ring you so that you could baby me."

"I'm not babying you! I'm asking if you're really okay. Sorry that I'm concerned for you wellbeing when you just told me that you've had a big fight with your boyfriend." Awsten defended himself.

"Ugh." I sighed. "I'm such a bitch." I sighed, realising that I shouldn't have been mad at Awsten.

"No, you're not."

"I'm sorry. I'm just so confused and fucked up right now." My hands rubbed my tired eyes.

"Are you still taking your medication?" Awsten practically whispered. He knew I hated talking about my medication.

"Yes." I let out a shaky breath. "But it just makes me feel numb or depressed still."

"Are you feeling as bad as you did last year?" I knew Awsten was only worried about me but I really hate talking about all of this. I'd rather pretend that my mental health issues don't exist.

"No." I placed Awsten on speaker and put my phone on the other pillow, cuddling into my duvet and blankets.

"I'm always here to talk about it. I know I'm not your therapist and I'm not trying to be, but you can talk to me about it." I shut my eyes and listened to his voice.

"Thanks." I slightly mumbled.

"But why did you walk home from the party last night? Isn't it a good five miles away?"

"I missed my last bus and Tom drove so I didn't have my car. The taxis at that time are so expensive, as well. Five miles isn't that bad it only took like an hour."

"You can't do that shit. You live in a city; you could literally be stabbed." Awsten sighed and let silence hang on his end of the phone.

"This is really toxic, isn't it?" I blurted out.

"What?"

"The way I treat you. Oh my god, this is borderline abusive." Tears brimmed in my eyes, burning hot tears.

"Isla, what are you talking about?" Awsten asked me in his serious voice.

"I worry you, you get concerned, I get angry because you care, you reassure me, I apologise, and it happens all over again, on a loop. Shit man, I can't keep doing this to you." My tears silently fell onto my pillow.

"What the fuck, Isla? Why do you make it out like you're this monster? Are you not allowed to have bad days? Am I not allowed to love you?" He was genuinely mad, but he still spoke calmly and clearly. I really don't understand how he keeps it all together sometimes.

"I am a monster!" I sobbed.

"I don't think the problem was ever me loving you, it was you not loving yourself."  He sounded disappointed.

"I'm sorry." I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Is us talking again making it better or worse?" I knew the answer but I wasn't okay with it.

"Aws-" I cried, I imagined being back in his warm and soft embrace, the way he would rub my back to soothe me is all I crave.

"Maybe we both need more time to figure out what we need and where were going with all of this. I don't think it's a good idea to try start new things when old wounds are still hurting." Awsten used to be so carefree and light about everything, I think I fucked him up.

"I don't think I can get out of this." I cried even heavier. "I think I'm so used to being this way that I've become attached to it. How sick is that?"