Words Can't Cover Me

Sitting Here...

Sitting here and wondering what goes on in your lives anymore.
Sitting here and wondering if the distance is permanent or if it will only last until you finally feel content.
I can hear your voices, but they don't speak your words.
I've gone deaf in one ear, like my body is trying to keep me from the sound.
You shut me down and cast me out.
Yet here I am hoping you're okay.
Here I am hoping that things are getting better for you.
Because despite what we've been through I still care about you and my heart still skips a beat when you seem defeated.
I still get choked up at the thought of you leaving.
Everything Changed.
I get that.
I know that it happens.
But from my perspective you left me when I needed you.
And you knew it too.
That's what hurts the most out of all this.
And I can't get it out of my head.
I still want us to be okay.
I still want you to care.
I still want you to be there.
And it is obvious that things aren't the same.
I don't know if things are better or worse without me.
Or neutral, as you say.
Which is kind of bullshit anyway.
I just don't get it.
Nothing you do provides any clarity.
Because I know you.
And you're extremely contradictory.
You say one thing, yet your eyes tell a different tale.
Body Language shifts and so does the expression you wear.
Mask Or Not.
Real Or Fake.
It has always been hard to tell.
I think you like it that way though.
But I just thought you should know that I still care.
I had to strain the friendship as well because you said it was what you needed.
At this point I just really need to know.
Because everything has gone to shit for me and I just need one god damn truth right now.
Please, that's all I ask.
I've been respectful of your wishes.
I've been honest and up front.
I may not say everything.
But there are some things you just don't need to know.
It's just become obvious to me that you don't understand the levity of the situation and what effect it has on others.
Or maybe you do and just don't care too much.
I have no idea anymore.
I'm just tired of being booted for trying to help.
Especially now when you know I need it in return.

-Sorry if this was mean or painful. There are many other drafts that were much worse. I just actually need a response or something because I can't wrap my brain around what the fuck I did to cause this.