Words Can't Cover Me

Break Of Honesty

Yesterday I had a panic attack so severe that I couldn't move for an hour and a half, then a migraine consumed me for the rest of the day.
They've gotten worse.
The migraines, panic attacks, mood swings, episodes.
Everything.
It's all getting worse.
I never stopped cutting.
I said I would, but I didn't.
It's an impulse decision.
Usually regretted very shortly after it happens.
I was talking to someone about bad habits the other day.
Like biting your nails and picking at your lips when they're chapped.
And it made me think of cutting like a bad habit.
How people quit is different for everyone.
There's no right or wrong suggestion for it.
I don't know why I write about these things.
It just makes me feel really guilty.
Because when I do it I'm not thinking about the bullshit promise.
Promises mean nothing.
People have broken them too often for them to truly matter to me anymore.
Even the ones I've made have ceased to make any impact.
That's the funny part of all this.
I stopped caring.
I think I actually forced myself to only be numb to other people.
Not myself.
Like when I was told that someone had grown tiresome of me.
I didn't even react.
They probably think I did.
But I just gave a slight sigh.
Wrote a thank you for finally being honest and cutting out the bull shit and carried on with my day.
I thought that it was temporary, as most of my moods are.
But it lasts to this very second.
I just don't care.
Me.
The one person that has a reputation for caring every second of everyday about everyone except themselves doesn't give a fuck anymore.
Maybe it's because of everything going on.
Or maybe I'm just giving up again.
I don't know.
You know I've been sitting here for the past few days thinking about calling a crisis hotline.
So that I'd have someone to say my good byes to.
Or get the school therapist's number so that I'm not sitting in my living room having a psychotic break screaming at myself like I did Wednesday morning and Friday afternoon.
I scared the shit out of myself that day.
I swore that I could hear people in the hallway and I started arguing with them.
I had to stop myself from crying at the bus stop.
And then I started out my day barely capable of looking at any of them.
The ones that had echoed in my ears all morning.
They were former friends and family members.
I snapped myself out of it because I almost threw my body into a wall I got so angry.
It's a long story that no one would care to hear.
Anyway.
Sometimes I get quiet.
Really quiet.
Around the people that usually allow me to be myself.
But I've started avoiding them.
Sometimes I'll catch them looking at me when I get really quiet and I'll purposefully make myself disappear.
I plan on disappearing soon.
I don't know how.
Or when.
I just want to take my leave.
Take a fucking break from everything going on.
It just really seems like I'm getting fucked over constantly.
I had someone tell me that they'll only talk to me if I need a therapy session or if they feel like it.
Someone else blamed me for the collapse of an entire club simply because I don't involve myself with the bullshit drama that goes on and I like to get my actual work done instead of horsing around the entire time.
They told me I was being a dick for trying to stay out of what didn't pertain to actual club issues.
I've had people tell me that they're there for me and when I've reached out and tried to genuinely conversate with them they flake or get caught up before we're even able to talk about anything.
I've had a counselor tell me that I chose the wrong friends and to drop them.
I've been questioning my decisions in that department for the past month and her saying that made me actually take a step back from it all.
Put on my mask and observe what goes on.
I've been trying not to have break downs again.
That's what used to happen last year.
Every meeting I had a break down.
It was ridiculous and I don't know why they happened.
I've been trying to stray from letting any of them show anymore.
But that usually just causes more severe break downs in the long run.
And more intense mood swings.
Fuck it.
Hehehehehehehe.
Why am I crying?
There's no point anymore.
I have some things I have to do now.
Good Bye.
For Now.