Words Can't Cover Me

Head Down

Breaking through my walls with an iron fist, whilst a gentle gesture could have been much more effective. Hostility Triumphs Hospitality. Or so I've learned over the years. You broke in, ransacked my thoughts, traumatizing moments, and memories. Even taking over your own section in my mind and heart. Then off you went, the same way you had come, you disappeared once more. I've been through this too many times to count. I can't even recollect all of their faces passing me to leave. Letting themselves out much more peacefully than the way they entered. Were they ever satisfied? Did they find the satisfaction they kept searching for in me? Did it provide clarity in any sense? Or was it just a way to pass the time. Some reentered. And I tried to kick them out, but they were persistent and much more stable than I've ever been. So I sit here. Watching them go, hoping someday one of them will stop and notice me sitting their in my own place. As if they'd realize that they were destroying a living, breathing being. But they never do. Some will temporarily, but then they move on. Sometimes more violently than before they finally noticed me. It makes it hard to continue. It makes looking up feel useless. So I stopped looking up. I stopped caring who was there, inside my head and just waited for them to leave. Although it can be hard to tell when they've left. So I have a foolproof plan. Never look up. If you're always looking down then maybe you'll never have to see any of them ever again. Sometimes I hope that they'll caress below chin and nudge upward to look at them. To stare longingly out of the void that I'm trapped in. But I think it's safe to say I have given up on that hope, and for good reason. It's much too romanticized, too involved. No one will try to keep my head up. They know why they're here. To collect, destroy, and vacate. Not to make a new, not to save. Nothing like that. To them and to you I am not human. Not because of my gender identification, sexual orientation, ethnicity, or anything of that sort. But because of what I feel. It sets me apart, not in a special way, but in a vulnerable and sometimes weak state. That predators such as you and them prey and feast upon. So carry on with your business I guess. I don't think you can break me much further than I already am. As well as the fact that I have pretty vast limitations. So do your worst. Maybe one day I can finally be broken enough to no even care anymore, but I will never be saved. And that is a fact.