I Want To Change The world

18

I'm not doing too well, I can feel it. My hair started to fall out in the showers clumps just falling, down the drain it goes like my life until it was gone I have no hair.

It's been about 5 months since I started officially dating Itachi.

I was sitting at Itachi's house right now my hands shaking as I put some finishing touches on my moms red hair. I wanted to paint my parents and give them this as a parting gift.

Itachi likes watching me paint and I like just being in his presence I like everything about him, everything he does. He watches me and sometimes he'll kiss my cheek and tell me it looks amazing.

I've been friends with Itachi for 10 months, in those 10 months I got diagnosed with cancer and started chemo, in those first 5 months before we became official we had sex 14 times the first few times I was really scared, I really don't like myself but Itachi was so sweet and it felt so good. In those first 3 months of just being friends I fell in love with Itachi.

I go to his house every Sunday when his parents aren't home. The last 5 months we've gotten closer and closer. In these last 5 months I've never felt weaker. In this last month I've been pushing him away I can't let him touch me. I can't let him know. It's better if he moves on. But I'm not doing enough to tell him to move on, or at least I wasn't.

There are things I want to finish before I leave, one of them being a painting of Itachi and I. I can't express the pain I've felt in my heart for doing this. It's time, I can feel it. I'm not going to last much longer.

Itachi is always asking me if I'm sick, he's always wondering whats wrong and I have yet to tell him. I will not ever tell him, there are things I will never tell him. I will die with secrets, my secrets.

I wear hats now, my hair gone I do have a blonde wig and I have been distancing myself as best as I can, because I've decided Tuesday I am going to end my life. I know I am selfish, I knew that the moment I let Itachi in my life.

"I finished" I whispered and put the paint brush down. Itachi smiled at me, that rare smile that melts my heart.

"It looks amazing"

I nodded my head my face heating up from the compliment.

"I should get going" I started putting my paints and brushes in my bag. Itachi frowned I've been spending less and less time with him, usually I stay until right before his parents get home but I have a lot to do tonight.

I don't let him touch me like we used to, my hat stays on my heavy jacket stays on. I keep my distance I can tell it bothers him. He never says anything though.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" he asked

"Of course" I smiled, Itachi leaned over and kissed me, I pulled away and smiled. I love him.

I left the room my painting in my arm and walked down the stairs, I walked home. I happily sighed when I reached my house and opened the door. I went straight to my room. My mom and dad don't know I'm gay, they never will.

I got out a canvas the last canvas I have, and sketched out Itachis face and then my face, his arm around my shoulder, we were looking at each other.

I never liked painting self portraits I just don't like myself but I'm making a painting of Itachi and I and I want it to come out nice. As much as I hate myself Itachis beauty out shines it any day. I love that. 

I ate dinner with everyone I took my pills and made my way back to my room to work on my painting. This needs to get done tonight even if I don't sleep.

My mom and dad are worried, I can see it they can see the pain I'm in. it hurts so much. They can see how much worse I'm getting pretty soon I'll be bed ridden, I don't want that.

I finished the painting at 3:30 in the morning, I stayed up another hour writing letters to Hidan, Tobi and Mr. Senju. I did write a letter to My mom, dad and Naruto.

My letter to Itachi is a letter no one will ever see, no one but him. It will explain it all. I'll tape it to the back of the canvas he'll find it. He will but he wont understand it until I'm gone. None of them will.

The next to day I slowly and tiredly got out of bed, I want this day to go by fast Mondays, not my thing never were. Never will be.

I stuffed my letters into my bag and walked out of the room and into my dads car, we talked a little in the car mostly Naruto was talking though, and I am completely okay with it.

I put the letters in Hidans and Tobis lockers after 2nd period they wont open their lockers again until the end of the day. I left Mr. Senjus letter on his desk at the end of the day after school when he was getting his coffee. A thank you letter for everyone I love. Now for the hardest part.

I walked out of the room and smiled at Itachi as we walked out of the building, our painting in my hand.