Finding My Lost Self [to be edited]

Chapter 30 - Wow, dude. You're whipped.

Chap. 30

My mind didn't start working again until I found myself running in the street. My heart was racing and too many emotions surged through me. I just ran, not caring where I was going. My feet just continued to move. I wanted to scream, to cry, and to laugh at the same time.


Tyler.


And I thought I knew enough shit about him. What the hell? I thought my past was gone forever. That I had to just live the moment without looking behind me like every one says in those tumblr quotes.


A part of me was wishing that I was wrong, that it wasn't what I believed it was. But it was there. It couldn't be wrong. It was clear and evident like the sun.


He kissed me.


He fucking kissed me!


How could he do that to me? It was bad enough that I loved him! But now, he just had to kiss me and complicate it even more. I should be happy, but I wasn't. The fact that it was him made me want to cut myself and just crawl into a hole to die.


Why I was so mad would be confusing to any one. I mean, I said that I loved him, right? I did.


But I never expected this. I thought that if he ever kissed me, I would be happy. I never thought that his could happen. That it was him. I felt like a whore. I was running away form this and I never told any one. But it came back chasing me like a curse.


But it was the truth. Honestly, I felt like crying. This brought out too many memories from the past.


This brought out too many nights of crying, knowing that I would never have that memory like every other girl. Knowing that I would never have a magical first kiss like every other girl. And knowing very damn well that my freaking first kiss was stolen by a guy whom I didn't even know.


And just when I started to forget about the entire thing, the bastard just had to come back and make me feel filthy all over again. The self pity that was starting to resurface was consuming.


The memory of my first kiss, and the fact that it was stolen away in a summer camp, it made me feel like an easy whore. That I couldn't even give it to someone who was important to me at that time.


I had the urge to laugh but cry at the same time.


Tyler.


Who would have thought?!


He was the silent boy.


It didn't make sense. But I was sure of it. When you kiss someone, you know what it feels like anywhere and any time. It had happened about four years ago, but it was there, all the pain of clutching into false hope and staring at a stupid piece of paper. I was hurt. He could have told me the first time he saw me on the first day of school, right?


I thought that I'd never even know the name of the guy who took my first kiss. He stole it and just ran away. And I regretted giving it to him. Because when it all had ended, when I went home from the camp, I had gotten attached. And I had developed something for the boy who stole my first kiss.


I spent my nights crying 'cause I'd never known his name, staring at the only thing I had from him. A small piece of paper with the three words "You are beautiful", dreaming and hoping that maybe, one day I'd meet him and he'd remember me.


And it happened.


But he had lied to me. He acted as if he didn't know me at all. He could have told me that he had met me before instead of just smirking his stupid face off. I knew now that this was the reason he was smirking when I told him my name.


He had lied to me. He had convinced me that he was a stranger, and I thought that it was just safe and normal that I would have feelings for him. The bastard even changed his hair. I started to believe that he had stalked me into my school. I knew he had a brown hair back when I was 14. Could it be true that he had dyed it to hide the truth from me?


But does it even matter? He just made me fall for him, and he was just going to leave afterwards. Just like he left before, and just like Elena left. Just like every one lies and leaves these days.


The thought made me want to vomit. I was sick of every thing. Life sucked. First there was my mom, and then Jason, and this was just the icing on the cake. Perfect.


I had only realized that I was still running with my eyes closed when I tripped and fell on my face. I opened my eyes and groaned as I got onto my knees and started to get up. I was sitting on the ground when I felt a small drizzle from the sky. I looked up and more droplets started to fall. I knew that this would turn into heavy rain pretty soon.


I looked down at the ground and just stared. I couldn't help but realize how lucky the mud was. It's life was better than mine. All it did was just be there on the ground. No drama, no lies. Just an unnoticed, great life. But then again, was mud even alive?


I took a deep breath as I put my hands on my face to find it soaked in a warm liquid. I only realized that I had been crying right then.  


I let my hand travel further to run into my hair as I looked back up at the sky to just stare at it as the small droplets continued to fall, starting to get bigger and bigger with every passing second. I felt a sudden tiredness take over me so I just laid down on the ground. Never taking my eyes off the sky.


I started sobbing silently as I stared at the cloudy sky. I tried to lose myself into the details of the thickening clouds as the sky became darker and darker.


What if I could fly like the clouds? I thought. Life would be so much easier. Yeah, I would probably have no feelings at all and just fly there and-


My thoughts were cut off when I saw a shadow looming over me as someone's head popped into my vision. His beautiful black hair was damp and his eyes were dancing with amusement. I couldn't help but frown at him.


"Leave me alone." I grumbled before I turned so that my face was on the ground. I was sure that my face had gotten dirty but I couldn't care less. This made me feel like I was hiding from his eyes


~♥~