Honest

Don't Think

Headlights shine through the window and my heart stops. First not thinking, and then coming to realization that it's only Joel. "It's okay, Daisy." I say calmly when she begins to bark. "It's just Joel."

There's two quick knocks at the door and I don't hesitate to open it. Joel's got jeans on and a muscle shirt. His hair messy after a day at work. "Hey." He says, greeting me with a kiss. "You ready to go?"

I shut my eyes briefly and nod. "Yeah, I'm ready."

Joel looks around. "Are you bringing a bad or anything?" He walks in, "I mean, you are staying the night, aren't you?"

"Um..." I stutter, not sure of what to say or how to react. And I'm pretty sure that's all thanks to the kiss moments ago. "Yeah, sorry, I just didn't think." I let go of the door and start pulling out things to take. Usually when I stayed the night at a boys place it was unplanned and that's just how things ended up. I grab a skirt and something to coordinate with before shoving it in my bag and putting on an oversized sweater from Forever 21. "Okay. Ready."

"Good." He smiles and I recognize the chip in his front tooth again. It's not big so how I noticed it was beyond me. I lock up the hotel room and jump into the passenger seat of his truck. It was an older Chevy but it hummed as if it were new.

Daisy sits between Joel and I as make small talk. I don't know why I was so nervous. "How was your day?" I ask. It seemed like a safe question.

"Good! Really good, actually! I had a family driving through town and they left me a pretty hearty tip, so that was nice."

"Sounds it." I say, smiling out the window. It's still dusk out, but the sun is about to disappear any moment.

"What's wrong?" He asks but I stare out the window, not putting his question into focus. Just picking at the skin on my lip. "Taylor, are you okay?"

Joel's hand warms my thigh and I catch a glimpse from the corner of my eye. "Yes, I'm fine." I say, hardly. I wasn't fine. I felt different and odd, and my stomach was untrustworthy.

"You can talk to me. We're friends, remember? I don't want you to be afraid to speak. Just because we're not doing the whole relationship thing, doesn't mean I don't care about you, I think you're really cool."

I shake my head slightly, "you don't know anything about me." I sigh, running my hand through the tangly mess.

"But I would like to." He says softer than even I had spoke. I lift his hand from my lap and intertwine our fingers, watching as they match so perfectly.

"I like holding hands, I'm a sucker for it." Joel chuckles and I narrow my eyebrows. "What?!"

"Holding hands is one of my favourite things." He says softly and looking in my direction momentarily. And then he smiles. And I smile too. The smile that makes your lip curve a over your teeth and for a moment, you forget about everything going on in the world.

When we get to Joel's the sun has long said goodnight and Joel and I are left with nothing but the moonlight. From what I could tell, his place was sweet and comfortable. A beach house, basically. Averaged sized. For a single boy, though, it made me question. This place must seem a little empty when you're here alone.

Daisy finds somewhere to curl up and sleep while Joel hands me a beer from the fridge. I hop up on the counter and Joel cracks open the top for me. "Thanks." I say, taking a sip and he does the same.

"No problem." He runs his hand down my leg and the dim light of the kitchen has me wondering where this was going to go. "So, tell me about the real you, Runaway."

"I told you about the real me." I raise my eyebrow and sip.

"Toronto my ass." He rolls his eyebrows and props himself in front of me where my legs hand down from the counter.

"I told you the truth. It's your choice if you believe it or not." I nod. "Plus, you haven't told me where you come from."

"Bloomsberg." He says and when I don't recognize the name he nods. "It's in Pennsylvania."

"And you left? Why?"

"Falling out with my family at a young age. Wasn't worth it anymore. I like the water. Here I am." He licks his lips and takes another sip as do I.

I straighten up. "Do you miss them?"

He shakes his head. "Not in the slightest."

"Why not?"

He shrugs. "It's a long story and I'm not prepared to go into detail for some bullshitter." Joel laughs and he scratches his chin. I smirk and shake my head slightly. My bangs falling into my face. "You're cute when you do that." Joel brings his hand to my face, dragging the hair from my eyes and behind my ear.

I wrap my legs around his waist subconsciously and feel myself waning closer to him. Even with me sitting on the counter, Joel is a good three inches taller, possibly more. I try to count my breaths, to stabilize my heartbeat, but as his lips move closer there is no way I can stop myself.

I lean in and I'm the first to make contact. My finger tips running gently against the stubble at his jaw. I moan into his kiss unintentionally and his laugh vibrates to my lips. My heartbeat races.

His hands grip my waist before they start riding underneath the hem. And within moments, my shirt is being lifted and set free from my body. Joel states at me momentarily and I can't explain the look he gives. But he smiles and then moves closer so our lips touch one again. Joel slides me off the counter and my heart drops for a moment. But he has me within his strong build and I don't think he intends of ever letting me go.

We reach another surface and from what I can tell in the dim light, is the kitchen table. I'm so small compared to him, even at this height. He stops for a moment to take of his shirt which I help with eagerly. My heartbeat is in a constant race of trying to decide if this is good or bad. Quite frankly, I didn't know either.

He climbs on top of the table which forces me down beneath him. I feel comforted yet aroused and my mind is a constant game of which side of the fence I will fall. Joel kisses my neck, leaving little bites every few moments which catches me off guard. My breath heavy. My vision hazy. Heat builds between us, or better known, lust.

Joel tugs at my waist where the edge of my jeans sit. I lift and soon the falling off the side of the table. I watch as he stumbles with his belt buckle and I sit up to help him out. I feel his eyes upon me while I do so and when I'm done he kisses me. "You're good at this." He jokes and I roll eyes as hi leans down on top of me but I keep my eyes open. We're surround by darkness anyway. My thoughts go everywhere but where they're supposed to be.

Joel wasn't a bad guy or wasn't bad at sex or any of that. He was a really sweet guy, who was really good and kind. He understood things of different levels and that's why I was so hesitant towards this. I was scared that I was going to hurt him. That this was going to be too much. He deserved a real, actual girl friend. Who liked to stay the night and make pancakes in the morning with him. He deserved someone who wanted a future and who would eventually move in with him. He deserved someone who, when he kissed, didn't mean they were going to have sex. He deserved... Better.

None the less, I spend the night in his bed. Joel has his arm wrapped around my waist tightly and nose in the crease of my neck and shoulder. He sleeps soundly, while I on the other hand, can't seem to even fantom a blink. I lay there hopelessly, waiting for morning.