Honest

Jump then Fall

As I spread some peanut butter on my toast, I feel Joel's arms wrap around my waist. His lips touch my neck and I jump then fall into the feeling. "Morning" he mumbles into my skin and I grab at his hands on my waist, spinning to face him. He is shirtless. Should've known. Joel procrastinates as much as he can when it comes to getting ready or putting on suitable clothes. Although, most the time, I'm pretty sure he just likes to taunt me. "How'd you sleep?" He asks pushing his forward to mine, his hands moving lower, under the hem of my skirt and I roll my eyes. His skin against mine is like fire to ice.

"Well." I reply, moving my fingertips down his jawline to guide him into my kiss. "You?"

"Great." The corners of his lips turn into a smile as his eyes close and his nose pushes against mine.

"That's good. So what does today's plans involve?"

"Well," he clears his throat. "I believe you promised me some one on one time if you know what I mean."

I roll my eyes. "Smooth one."

"Thanks, I try." He fights to kiss me but I lean backward and break his hands apart to grab my toast and continue to walk into the living room.

"So when you say one on one time, I'm guessing you mean me kicking your ass in a game of scrabble." I chew on my toast as I fall into the couch, pulling the scrabble set from under the coffee table. It's become one of those games for use where it's like our goto. Well, it's my goto. Because I suck at everything else, if we are being honest. Monopoly? Daisy could beat me. Easily. Within the first ten seconds. Mouse trap? Too many whats-a-ma-hookics to even try to understand. Chess? Too quiet. Charades? I suck at acting. Either way it's a loose loose situation. Except for scrabble. Scrabble is my game.

"Not really what I was going for, Tay." He mumbles and comes to sit beside me on the couch. Joel rustles his hand through his messy bed head hair.

I hold the toast in my mouth while beginning to set up scrabble, so on and so forth. "Come on." I mumble through a chew and then push him playfully. "This kinda one on one time is as good as any!"

"Matter of opinion." He scoffs and I narrow my eyebrows.

"You can't expect sex twenty for hours a day, boy, what happens when I'm on my monthly gift, huh? What then?" I look over and he winks. "You're unbelievable." I say with disgust.

"You love it." He taunts.

"You wish."

"I know."

"You're wrong."

"Liar."

"Faker."

The room goes silent enough that I can hear Daisy jumping down from the bed in several doors over. So maybe this relationship started with sex. And that's all it was. But clearly things had developed into something else. Something way different than what we had originally agreed on. So yes, fooling around with Joel was fun, exciting and so... Exhilarating, but couldn't we do something... Else?

"I've got plans." I say, standing and dropping whatever letters I had in my hand, proceeding to the door."

"Where are you going?! Today was supposed to be us!" I hear him rise from behind me but he doesn't follow.

"Anywhere else."

"Don't be like that!" He shouts. I've never heard his voice that loud.

"Like what?!" I turn around and point. "You're the one yelling!"

He luck his lips and falls to the couch. "Fine." He huffs and I roll my eyes.

"And just, FYI, if you want to keep your girlfriend, don't ask to fuck her 23 out of 24 hours a day." I walk out of the living room and hold myself in the porch.

I just don't want to talk to him right now. It's not like this was the first time that he begged. He did this a lot. Pushed me on until I gave in, and let's be honest, I didn't want to sleep with him every waking hour. I wanted to do stuff. Go hiking, do some painting, play scrabble or maybe even some baking. It's like he had never had a girlfriend before, and if he had, they clearly never lived together.

Or maybe it was just me and my high expectations for a relationship. I felt like I was constantly in a battle between whether I wanted a future here or not. Whether I wanted to let myself fall for Joel completely or not. This is when I usually bolted. When the guy mentions love... Or something close to it. I let them finish their sentence and I'm gone by morning. But I stayed last night. And I think that means something.

I turn around. "We need to talk." My voice comes out exasperated and Joel looks up surprised, then tossing some scrabble pieces to the table.

"I didn't mean to set you off-"

"No, stop. Me first." I fall into the couch beside him. "I'm scared, Joel." I lick my lips. "I'm scared where we are going. Because we claim this is a relationship, but the main focus is still who can get undressed faster and that's not what a relationship is."

He nods, "I understand."

"So what are we gonna do?"

"Fix it." A smile tugs at his lips and when I let out an airy laugh it sets itself free. "I'll stop being so pushy, I'm a complete asshole."

"No you're not!" I shake my head, "I've had much worse. At least you understand where I'm coming from."

He nods. "I do. I get it."

I run my tongue over my teeth. "Good."

"So... Scrabble?" He asks.

"Scrabble." I agree.

But of course a simple game of scrabble turns into so much more. A stolen kiss here, a victory kiss there. And soon Joel has me pinned to the couch, his lips exploring all aspects of my neck while he holds one of my legs to his waist. I try to form words but all that comes out is soundless air. And when something does come out, it's not what I intend. I finally form his name and he stops, hardly, to only resume at my lips. It's like, this is what I want, but I don't. Like my second guesses, are second guessing themselves and it's a constant game of 'found it, dropped it, lost it.' At the playground. And the fact that he is half naked certainly doesn't help anything, either.

"I love you so much, Taylor." Joel moans into the side of my lips and it takes me a moment to clue into what he said.

I push him off, and push hair out of my eyes. "What did you say?"

"What? I said I love you-"

"Joel, stop!" I shake my head and put my hands to his lips. "Don't say that."

"What are you talking about...?"

"Just don't." I command. My voice stern.

"But Taylor I love-"

"I said don't say it, Joel. You don't love me, don't do that!"

Joel swallows hard. "But I do, I love you so much, Taylor."

Tears arise in my eyes, too much going on for me to comprehend. "No." I say, but it's a far stretch. I sit up and begin to button up my blouse while pushing Joel away. "Please, Joel, don't."

From my side view I notice a nod and he rises. "I guess I'll just make lunch."