1| WAKE UP LITTLE ONE ( zalfie)

Chapter 32

Zoe's POV

Nurse Meredith pushed me across the grassy path in my wheelchair, trying to make conversation. I ignored her, of course.

How could I be casual at a time like this? It was all my fault. All my fault. How was it fair that I was alive and well and on the road to recovery? It should've been me.

If I hadn't have been such a naïve fool as to believe Jack, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe, if I hadn't have let Jack get so close to us, this never would've happened in the first place. He wouldn't have been able to.

I was so stupid. How could I have done this to me friends? To him? We'd all be fine, if it wasn't for me.

Nurse Meredith interrupted my thoughts, steering my chair up a ramp into the church and down the aisle in the middle, occasionally hitting bumps that startled me out of my daydreaming.

As we reached the first row, Nurse Meredith parked my wheelchair at the end. I looked to my right to see Caspar. Beside him was Elise, then Marcus, and all the other YouTubers, and his family. Everyone he was close to.

His mother was having a breakdown of sobs into her tissues while his father wrapped his arm around her, trying to comfort her. His sister stared at the coffin, tears pouring down her face.

All the other YouTubers were either lost in thought, sobbing or silently crying. It was my fault that they were like this. Why was I such a damn fool?

I rested my head in my hands and gazed at the coffin. A plain black affair, with a white cross down the middle. I chewed at my nails, which was bitten to the stubs, and ran my hand through my already messy ombré locks. The dye was fading, I hadn't had it touched up in months.

I knew I looked a mess with my bush of a hair, dark bags under my eyes, pale, waxy face, no makeup, spots breaking out everywhere, the bones sticking out from my body and my ugly hospital gown hanging off me.

The priest made his way onto the altar. I closed my eyes, praying that the ceremony could end soon, and I could just reminisce. I was lost in a world of blackness, without a thought in the world, no escape. And it was great. It was great to escape from the pain, feeling no emotions, just myself, lost in the darkness, nothing else.

But then Nurse Meredith grabbed my wheelchair and started to steer me outside. We made our way past all the graves, and that's when the tears started to flow. It made this so much more real.

How many little girls went to sleep, crying, because her Daddy wasn't there to protect her from the monsters anymore?

How many little boys were lonely and afraid, because their Mummy wasn't there to cuddle with them and make everything feel better?

How many women and girls were dealing with broken hearts, afraid to love again, because everyone who they loved...left?

How many guys were players, and fighters, and toyed with girls' hearts, because the one girl who ever meant something to them wasn't here anymore?

All the lives of those people had been changed, thanks to these holes in the ground. They would never get to be with them. Never hold them again. Never get to say goodbye...

Nurse Meredith stopped at a deep hole in the ground with a white marble gravestone.

They slowly lowered the coffin into the ground, and everyone stared, teary eyed, at the one they'd never see again.

Then the flowers started to pour down into the hole, on top of the coffin. It made it bright, colourful, like he would've wanted.

The flowers were all different kinds and colours. It was beautiful, and I couldn't help but cry when I realised he wasn't here to appreciate it.

As the flowers set upon the coffin, the memories started to come back.

Holding me in my sleep.

The coffee shop, buying me those nachos.

Finding me in the street, bringing me home, calming me down.

Our reunion in the basement.

Our last moments together.

The kiss in the flames, before everything went black.

That stupid, stupid fire. I released the flower I had been clutching in my hand, and it fell to the top of the mountain of flowers on top of the coffin.

It was perfect. A red Carmellia. It's meaning? You're a flame in my heart.

I stared at the marble gravestone and realised that all along, I'd been in love with him. Never Jack. Always him, from Day 1, i'd just been too blind to see it. But what did it matter? He was gone now. Nothing I said could change that.

R.I.P.

Alfie Deyes 1993-2014

A beloved son, brother, YouTuber, and friend.

You will be dearly missed.

But i'd always remember the flame in the kiss, the flames in which he lost his life, the flames that heated up my face when I was near him.

My eyes caught on the red Carmellia.

R.I.P. Alfie.

The flame in my heart.