- Mine
The weather is rainy but I'm sweating coldly. All I can hear was the crowds' loud cheer, their booming supports to their favorite contestant, all the noises from outside of the backstage. I can hear the emcee talking to the audience and to the judges, I can hear everything although my senses are shuffling.
I can feel my stomach churning, I can feel the cold breeze hugging me through the black crop top jacket with shiny beads, crop top black velvet tight shirt and black cobain pants. Even my feet that are covered with socks and combat shoes can feel the coldness emitting due to both excitement and nervousness filling me up.
I am here at the backstage, facing the mirror, looking at myself who's wearing a beautiful art of make-up with my lips tainted with a little maroon tint, while my eyes are painted with a smokey theme.
This is the moment I've been waiting for...
The moment I've been dreaming of ever since I was a child;
"The dream that many people almost killed."
Three minutes more and I'll take the stage, and while looking at my reflection on the mirror, a particular scene from the past bombarded my memory...
"I thought you're going to take the audition?"
Lia, one of my friends, frustratedly asked.
"I have no enough courage to take it."
I answered with my voice toned very low, my answer almost came out as a whisper and disappointment was totally heard.
I have the skills, but I don't have the ability of stepping out. I have the skill to perform, sing, dance, play few instrument like piano and guitar yet there are factors why I can't stand on a stage or on a platform to let people see me and my talents.
"Why? You want it, why don't take it? You're skillful enough."
She's still trying to push me to it...
Yet it's not just about me, lacking in self-confidence...
There's something else...
"I think it's because he's there."
There, simple and brief, Kai stated, another friend of mine.
She rarely speak about a deep topic, yet though she's not vocal, we know she can understand us as deep as the situation is.
"Because of him? He auditioned too?"
I remained quiet as nd just stared at them, watched them giving expressions like they are talking to each other internally.
"That guy can blow you confidence away!?"
Lia, is that one friend who's going to banter with you.
"It's not that..."
Denying it...
"I just don't want to hate what I want. I know I love dancing, and seeing him on every practices within that club will make me hate what I usually love. Imagine me watching him, them, dancing practicing, all close to each other while I'm just keeping myself distant to him, to keep myself compose."
The truth...
"I don't want to seem weak, to seem fragile and pathetic in front of them. That's why I can't. I have no courage to see myself breaking down because of some shitty people in my life. I'm afraid to see myself hating something I should enjoy doing."
It's not because I lack in confidence of facing them, but that I lack in courage of facing what may happen. I'm afraid that I would reach my limits.
