I meet Jill downstairs for breakfast.
I don't eat much.
Jill opens the fridge and observes it's contents. "You hungry sissy?" she asks.
Yes
"No, I'm not that hungry today." I sit down at the table and pick up a fashion magazine. I quickly scan through it, hoping it would make time go by faster. It doesn't.
"Hey sissy?"
I look up from the magazine, and my eyes meet with hers.
"Ya?"
"You're an amazing person, you know that?" she flashes a radiant smile at me. I force a smile back at her.
Please don't say that...
"Really?" I say
Please stop talking...
"For sure!" she yells.
If only you knew.
"Thanks Jill" I laugh.
I wasn't amazing. I was far from it. After my brother died, we moved to Arizona in hopes that we could be a family again. It only caused more pain. A couple years passed, and for once it seemed like all the pain was gone.. Then my parents began arguing all the time. I was ten at the time. Jill was seven.
My parents argued about everything. Every god damn night, it was always a different topic. Money, sex, child care, substance abuse... My mother was one of the biggest drunks you've ever seen. She really let herself go.
My dad always tried to keep the peace but... I swear to God our family was a disaster.
Some nights they would get physical, but most nights it was just verbal.
I did everything I could to keep Jill safe.. But I guess I didn't try hard enough. She would always ask me questions about mom and dad. Most of the time I would just reply with an "I don't know" or "it's complicated" ... I couldn't protect her.
I'm not amazing.
"Thanks Jill, that means a lot" I say. Footsteps from downstairs are heard, and my father comes up.
"Good morning kiddos" he says, very enthusiastically.
He looks tired... He is tired..
Jill gives him a radiant smile. "Good morning dad" she says. "Morning" I say.
My father turns to me, our eyes lock.
Please don't stare at me...
"Alondra, you doing okay?" he asks, with a phony smile.
Im never okay dad.
"I'm just a little tired, I'll be fine". He stares at me just a little longer. Jill breaks the silence.
"How's mom?"
Dad's attention is directed towards Jill.
Thanks Jill..
"She's... Holding up" dad replies.
There's an uneasy feeling in the kitchen. "We gotta go dad" I say. There's a slight look of disappointment in his eyes.
I'm sorry dad...
"Come on Jill, we're already late" I grab Jill by the arm and head to the door. I walk fast. "Ok, bye dad love you!" yells Jill. "Love you too, bye Jill. Bye Alondra be safe" he replies.
Be safe... More like "Don't get yourself killed"
Jill and I walk to school. On our way, I try to strike up a conversation. Jill beats me to it.
"Jill I-"
"Why do you hate dad sissy?" she asks. That kills me. It really does.
"Dad does a lot for us. He tries at least." I can see the sadness in her eyes.
Seeing Jill sad kills me too...
"Jill I..." It's hard to form words. "I don't.. I don't hate dad.. I.." I can't speak.
Speak dammit!
"I don't hate dad, Jill. I want you to get that thought out of your head" I say. Jill gives me a confused look. "So if you don't hate dad, then how do you feel about him?" her voice is so soft. Unlike mine.
So monotone
I sigh. "Do you love dad sissy?"
I don't know...
"Of course I do" I say quickly. "What about mom?" she asks.
Please... no more questions, Jill
"Never mind sissy, you look tired. I love mom" she says. "I know you do Jill". We arrive at school.
"You gonna be okay sissy?"
School... please no..
"Sissy?"
What if... no, I can't go through that again..
"Sissy!"
I'm forced back Into reality.
"I'll be fine Jill" I say.
"Are you sure sissy?"
Not even close.. I'm scared Jill.. I can't do this.
"You'll be fine sissy" Jill gives me a warm embrace. Its a nice hug.. Thank you, Jill
The school bell rings, our hug comes to an end.
"You meet me here after school and we'll walk home together okay?" I say. She nods and runs to class. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I wait a couple minutes before entering my class.
If it's anything like middle school...
I open the door.
