Mockingjay: the dawning

Chapter 19: Alone, with myself.

Katniss

Love.

It's a funny feeling.

To love someone means holding their needs and happiness above your own.

I never imagined the day would come where I would feel this for anybody but Prim.

But somehow I think she would be proud of me.

Many people underestimate the power of love. Even I did, once.

But the ability to fall wholly in love is a strength to those who possess the ability, as the ones who cannot cannot and see love as a weakness, don't see and forget that love conquers all.

But Peeta, he is more than that for me. There is a difference between lover and soul mate.

One is a choice.

One is not.

Falling for Peeta wasn't a choice.

He holds my world together when I'm falling apart.
He makes me genuinely smile when nothing else will.
He broke down my walls, and when he rebuilt them he added windows, to let the sunshine in.
Being with him is the only way I can see myself living.
He numbs my pain with a single touch, making it more bearable day by day.
He is my escape, he is the happiness in my life that means more than just a simple word.
He makes me feel alive; more than just exisiting or living.

So here and now, tangled in the sheets next to him asleep, I consciously make the decision that I want to make him feel the way he makes me feel when I am with him.

And I can't even attempt to describe that feeling because it is more than any words can ever describe.

His arms were always there to comfort me; I guess it was inevitable that soon after, his lips would be too. But it escalated so quickly; because I realised that I need him, and he needs me.

We numb the pain that each other feels, constantly, in the back of our minds. Being with him physically, it numbs my pain and calms my mind; allowing me to escape.

And I can only hope that I do the same for him. 

For those short periods of time, all I can think about is how much I love him, how much I need him; and how much I don't deserve him.

I carefully untangle myself from him and the sheets, the sweat from our bodies causing them to stick to me.

I try and tiptoe to the bathroom as quietly as possible as to not unnecessarily awaken Peeta, closing the door as silently as possible.

I stand and stare at myself in the mirror, observing the assorted scarring across my entire naked body.

I could live a thousand lifetimes and not deserve him...

How can he love someone so broken? so visibly physically broken?

I enter the fancy shower, pressing one of the buttons to give me clean water, and another button which gives me citrusy floral soap for my body, lathering myself in it from top to toe, washing away my sweat and the scent of us being together.

I turn and press another button which gives me a shampoo smelling of coconut that makes my hair softer. Washing it out, I take a lump of thick coconut smelling conditioner for my hair, and letting it sit like Flavius did.

I stare into space, focusing on the sounds of the water hitting the tiles of the shower.

It quiets my mind from the other thoughts that could appear.

The short splatters of water hitting the vast shower walls form a relaxing white noise.

I stand back under the shower head once more, rinsing out the sweet smelling hair lotion.

I walk out of the small room, the cool air of the bathroom quickly rushing over my bare body, and I swiftly grab the big fluffy bath towel.

I wring out my wet hair, the waves returning.

Tiptoeing to the door, I peer out and see that Peeta is still soundly asleep, peacefully.

Authors note:

Dear all readers,
I'm aware that I've been a bit slack in chapter updates (and that this one is not as long as the usual, I will make up for it later) as I was overseas and have just began university.
I hope I can get back into a regular schedule for updates and bring back consistency to this work.
Thanks,
Avi